My friends and family tease me about being a hermit. I've been called shy, anti-social, cranky, reserved...you get the idea. And sadly, I'd have to say these names are all pretty accurate. But more than anything, I am just down right AWKWARD. When I meet people I have the hardest time thinking of something to say, much less anything interesting. I get all nervous, pulling at my shirt sleeves and avoiding eye contact.
Oh, and I have a confession for you: Pretty/confident people intimidate me. Those types of people make me feel instantly...less. Like I'm not as good. They make me aware of all my flaws, all I lack. That's probably not their intent but I can't help but follow that thought process. (And for the record it feels like everybody in Dallas is good looking and/or confident. Sigh. What to do. haha)
Being around the Brandons has made me realize just how much fear controls my life. I mean, I've known for awhile it's something I struggle with, but here there aren't people who are used to me, who understand how I am. I don't speak or act in front of people I don't completley trust because I'm afraid they won't like me, or they'll judge me. I don't leave the house here because I'm terrified of driving in a city. I avoid public prayer or praying for someone because I'm afraid I won't do it right. I know that God can take away this fear, although I might have to repeatedly give it to Him. It just takes time and that's frustrating. I'm tired of being paralyzed.
Some day I like to think I'll have people skills :)