Saturday, December 31, 2011



Thursday, December 29, 2011

Good Times

In honor of getting a new laptop {finallllly}
I thought it was only appropriate to take a few of those typical photo booth pics
(what can I say, it's a addicting!!)

I have 5 more days off with my family, 
getting to see friends,
and I found a new type of mascara to try out today =) 


Monday, December 19, 2011


He came up to me,
his eyes still to big for his face,
and said, pointing,
"Guess what? God, he, he made everybody's eyelashes."

And I envy him, smiling up at me,
so enthralled with the wonders of this world.

Makes me wonder what I've missed, forgetting to look for the
Simple, but beautiful parts of this life

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Happy Thoughts

so often people tell you "take every thought captive" or
"think happy thoughts",
"choose to be postive"

which is all well and good, as you as you realize, changing your thoughts takes action.

been struggling with negativity lately, thoughts that run like images across the back of my eyes, a carousel of color, a stream of frustration.

i've started deliberately  coming up with "happy thoughts" writing them down if i need to, until they replace the yucky ones -

:: becoming a runner. early morning runs, with music in my ears and silence in the air

:: dresses and heels. but yet tshirts and converse. planning outfits is so much fun

:: going back to ecuador, to volunteer or work, i don't care, as long as i'm there

:: a boy who likes and adventure and cuddling. preferably with nice arms..just sayin ;)

:: a photoshoot in Northern CA, I have no idea why, but hey, it makes me happy

it's a battle, owning your thoughts instead of them owning you --
but one well worth fighting, i think

Wednesday, December 7, 2011


it's finals week, yo
if I wasn't so busy,
I would laugh at all of us freaking out.

Personally, I work better under pressure ;)

Friday, December 2, 2011


I used to sleep whenever I had the chance, crawling back into sheets still holding my shape, to hide in dark, lost hours

But now I find myself staying awake, even when it hurts, because I'm afraid of what I won't be there for. Which is funny --

I used to think there was nothing to miss.

I think Hope is waiting for the little moments that make everything worth it.

Monday, November 28, 2011


I'm procrastinating, but it's ok, I'll make up for it during class, instead of zoning out like I usually do. I slept about 9 hours last night, so yeah, I'm feelin pretty good. Hair in a braid, sportin that new fleece - turquoise, mind you, so it's extra awesome.

For the most part, I'm caught up, so I'm takin a moment to breathe, to look around. Because someday, when I'm finally "there", I'm going to miss this place, and these people. Might as well enjoy what I have, while it's here.

Few things last forever, why live like they do?

Thursday, November 24, 2011


I needed this kind of hope <3  

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Look Closely

This morning,
I saw a streak of a rainbow amidst the fog.

If you look,
you'll find the colors
between the gray


Thursday, November 17, 2011

One Foot in Front of the Other

Today at work, I stopped homework to teach the kids how to draw mustaches on their fingers.

And then we sat there saying things such as " 'ello poppet!" and "cheerio" and giggling like fools.

They help me remember, life is as simple as you make it.

Life will always be hard, always take work --

But you can either sit and complain,

Or accept it and keep moving.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Worth it

Right when you think you're gonna go crazy,
hole up in your bedroom 
with a whole bunch of chocolate,

you have a shoot that makes you smile.

And it's all worth it again. 

Saturday, November 12, 2011

a Signature, forgotten

last night, I dug out an old box

dusty and stuffed full,
of all my writings
as a little girl.

I laughed at the simple phrasing,
and the over dramatic emotions,
shook my head at the countless plays
I made my brothers be in.

So many words from a girl
somedays I hardly remember

the part i loved the most though,
was finding Bryan's signature
on an old play -

sloppy, tilted cursive
Bryan Meyer

and I cried,
to find a hidden piece of him
among the forgotten pieces of myself.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Well Said

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.”
ee cummings

this man has my heart-
i gave up long ago, trying to make sense of his words,
but rather,
enjoy the power they have 
to express,
what I cannot. 

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

let them have Normal

I let myself get all twisted and knotted,
wrapped and wrestled,
trying to be what I think I should be --

when it occurs to me,
it's not even what I want.

What I want, is something different,
my own road, my own story, 
my own way. 

So it's not the normal thing to do... 

Normal seems overrated anyways. 

Monday, November 7, 2011


But I'm still a dreamer, a believer
                          Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
-Sanctus Real

as long as you keep walking
and dreaming
and believing.

That's all that really matters

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

a Reminder:

If the people in your life aren't encouraging you,
pushing you,
loving you,
supporting you,
accepting you...

you may need some new people in your life.

Life is too short to be surrounded by people who make you doubt yourself  =)

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

a Home has many Houses

these days I don't belong just any one place - it's who I'm with, where I'm headed, who I love.

like Guy's Night, when you go by Kyle, because girls aren't allowed, so you eat pheasant and drink beer, and talk about toilet seats

it's someone else's mom calling you Daughter, because she remembers you at 9 years old, your awkward phases, and all the nights you spent at her house

or laying half asleep in a pile of friends, the kind of people you never doubt yourself with, because who you are, right now... they love

Sometimes, my feet, they ache for roots, for consistency,
but I can't help but recognize how blessed I am,

to find a Home in so many Houses.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

best part

Everyday they line up,
two rows
and I walk inbetween
passing out high fives
"have a good day"
"bye bud"
"be good!"

Little hands,
lifted up,
silly grins,
just for me.

It's crazy, but work is the best part of my day..

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Hope is Wrinkled

Sometimes, I feel like I'm supposed to be the poster child for Hope.
   wish you'd never gotten out of bed?
    fighting that weight on your chest?
    wondering why you aren't enough yet?

Because you're healed, remember Kylee? You have Hope.
Hard days are for people who don't know any better.

But if I were the kind of girl to tell secrets - I'd let you in on this:
Sometimes... I get tired of Hope.

It starts to feel like a set up. Hope takes vulnerability. And vulnerability is an open door to getting hurt.
And we both know that is not my style. Risk and I? We don't mix.

It's in those moments I catch myself grabbing Hope out of the air and crumpling it into my palm. "You are not allowed," I say, and throw it into the corner.

It sits there for a day or two, before I can't ignore the fact, that as difficult as having Hope is - without it, my life is empty. And I crawl over and pick it up, brush off the dust, smooth out the wrinkles, my mouth twisting with determination.

Turns out, Hope isn't perfect. just like me.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011


throw your heart up 
in the air
and it may decide not to
come back down.

sometimes you just wait,
until you know what you're waiting for. 

Monday, October 10, 2011


the kiss,
a yellowed bruise
on her
collar bone,
like forgotten promises.

i'm having one of those days, where i miss everything that was, remembering it as something magical, when really, at the time, it probably wasn't. sigh.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Small, Concrete

"I prefer to explore the most intimate moments, the smaller, crystallized details we all hinge our lives on. "
-Rita Dove

It's funny how I either think
in images
or purely words.
Never both.

A heart can't speak
two langauges simultaneously
you know.

This week's been
so I spend my time
writing about small, concrete

it anchors me.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011


I finally figured out how to do a fishtail braid...turns out it's pretty easy -- when you're doing it with two strands like you're supposed to, and not three. I take forever to learn things, because I have to do it over and over until I get it, so I'm pretty proud of myself! Besides, it gave me something to do in class today ;)

Also, I joined the Y. And went shopping for healthy food. I'm terrified of working out in public, so this is kinda a big deal guys! Eating healthier has been a goal from like, oh, last year (ha), but I think it'll be a good change.

Being the best you can be, you know? That's success.

Friday, September 30, 2011

True Love?

when it's right - 
you just know.


 I love all the dorky little things we do in between
the shoots, the editing, the classes. 

I love all the magic we find in between 
the ordinary. 

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

without Foundation

Some detail shots from a recent shoot....

Lately I've been noticing, 
you know a thought is a lie,
when you speak  out loud
and you finally see it hovering there,
without foundation. 

It takes a lot of speaking,
and a lot of looking,
but I'm weeding out the lies. 

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Dark hues

I tried to find the words,
to tell you,
the shades and hues of
my life right now.

But every color I picked up
was dark and
worn frayed.

And I hate writing in bitterness.
I'll be back when I find my happy colors :)

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

inspired :: john&katie

one of the purest loves i've ever had the privilege to encounter,
john and katie inspire me 
to marry my best friend. 

you give me hope, friends. 

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Oh Hey Texas

16 months later, and I walk in the Brandon's house, and it still feels like home. I don't feel guilty opening up their fridge and I know where to find the glasses. 

Sloanie still sits on my bed and talks while I get ready. The same radio plays during my morning routine.

I can get in the car with Ashley and there's no awkward silence, only a beat of breath before we remember our groove. Sit with George Palmer, and find our jokes. Hug John and Katie and it's perfectly natural. 

It's funny how some places, they hold on to you. And when you come back, it's like finding your shadow, left behind. All you have to do is slip back in. 

It's a blessing when God gives you multiple places to belong. 

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Homework :)

I love getting done with a shoot, 
and as you walk away,
finding that little sigh 
of success. 

{ i love that i get the chance to follow this dream. }

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Bryan, Guess What?

I would be a lesser person if you had never been a part of my life.

Right now I feel the urge to cry,

that pressure that settles in the breast bone.

But I won't,

because I would rather remember

all the joy you brought me.

You taught me so much about how to live -

with a smile

with determination

with hopes.

I have a feeling I will spend the rest of my life,

trying to accomplish what you did in only 11.

You are so precious little brother.
Happy Birthday.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Ky, it could be worse

these photographs are not what i want.
they should be better.
i should be better.

and it's tempting to bend under the whisper of,
"see? you suck."

instead i think of the twins this morning,
sitting across the table, arms intwined
faces pressed against each other -
his eyes green, and his brown.

"No, daddy doesn't live at home,"
they say, and i think divorce.
"Daddy lives in heaven."

wow. you're six.

Kylee, your life...could be worse.
photographs can be improved, can be changed.

Some things can't.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Wonderful Moments

There's moments where you stop, and look around, and think,
"I'm filing this away, because I love it just so much,"

Like the moment Korin looked back at me with a smile,
mid head bang in the Children 18:3 crowd,
covered in other people's sweat and the
bass shaking in our chests

The time I stood with friends,
arms held high,
and sang along to Tenth Avenue North
as praise spiraled above our heads

And especially the moment
Jeremy Camp said "Dance!"
and the whole crowd went crazy,
including my parents =)

So many wonderful memories, all in one weekend.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Pick up Where you Left off

One of those friendships you just pick up
where you left off,
like pieces of a never ending braid.

Have fun on your adventure you two! =)

Monday, August 29, 2011

Missin' these

i miss these kids.
they've made my life a better thing.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

by Suprise

Some days I look up

and realize how long you've been gone,

a punch in the throat

that rises up with a burn.

And as I struggle to swallow it down,

I'm forced to admit -

I still wait for you to come home.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Thankful for you, Friend

Thankful for the friend,

who grabs your attention
and says, "you are Fine."
so assured, you have to believe her,
even as you waver on the edge of insecurity

the one who makes time for you,
because you just mean that much to her,
still that girl she met back when,
all innocence and hope.

who hears the words unspoken
and knows what you're trying to say,
because you're too afraid of what
will happen if you say them outloud

the friend who pulls
in the edges of your world
until life makes sense, who knows you
when you forget your own self.

All of you, I am thankful for.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Lemon Drop Morning

First day back
felt good and right
and everything it should be.

But a little bit sad
because things are different
and you know how I am with change...

It's funny how life tastes,
so sweet and warm,
wrapped around a drop of sorrow.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

An Amazing Feeling

a photo from a recent shoot =)

Do you ever realize how extremely blessed you are
by the relationships in your life?
Do you ever look around and go,
Wow. I am so loved.

It's kind of an amazing feeling.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Break so you can Heal

Sometimes you have to rebreak a bone
in order for it to heal right.

Maybe the same is true
for one's soul.

I'm finding maturity is choices:

to love,


and breathe.

And maybe most importantly,
to never settle.

You're worth more than that.

Be Still, my Heart

And right here

is about where I fell in love.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

:: Matt&Abby ::

"Love is friendship on fire"
So true, with these two...


Thursday, August 11, 2011

Seize the Day

and in my final night


that I seized the day.

-Lewis Mundt

I keep his book of poetry on my nightstand, for the nights
I lay down discouraged,
and need to remember who I want to be.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Soon, School

School starts soon,
and I have so much Anticipation
building up inside
I get these little tremors
in my chest.


Saturday, August 6, 2011

If I Knew How to Save You

I trace the half moon
water stain with my eyes,
running my fingers across
the summer heat lingering
on the wall.
I find your words so familiar,
the anguished lyric
of loving somone
incapable of loving you back.
But while my words
rise up at the edges with hope,
your phrases are weighted
with defeat
And it scares me how much
hurt is sitting in this room.

I wish I knew how to save you.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

With Little Brother

He helps me remember how to laugh,

deep down from inside.

Shows me how to live big, live bold -

be proud of who you are.

With him, I have courage.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Head in the Clouds::July

Here's what's hangin on my "inspiration mobile" these days =)

.. I adore this picture of my parents.. camp friends, a constant source of joy..
..something i'm horrible at remembering..

..a card from my parents..
..teal buttons I found at an antique store!..

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Glass half full?

It's been a trying day, in a long week, and I do believed I used up my last drop of patience around 10 am.


However, while reading my morning news , they told me I should think happy thoughts, and start being a glass-half-full kind of girl, if I want to be happier. (The article was kind of a waste to be honest ... wait... I think that was a glass-half-empty kind of a comment..)

So while I gritted my teeth and banged my head against walls earlier, I took the time to compile a list of the 'the good things'
  • co workers I can count as friends

  • my turquoise headband. that matches my turquoise work shirt =)

  • free episodes of House

  • new music

So they're little things. But hey, it's progress.

Not bad, for a glass-half-empty kind of girl ;)

Friday, July 22, 2011

and then there were Six

Six became an ugly word
that day in the customs line,
when the lady, without looking up
asked how many we were.
We gazed at dad as he paused,
red eyes leaking at the seams.
 six, he replied,
the word straining in his throat.
It felt a lie,
hovering around our faces,
because we still felt you in our hearts.

Even now, when they ask me how many we are, and I feel myself skipping over where your name should be, I whisper it to myself -

Some spaces aren't meant to be filled.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

It's Too Hot For Anything Else

I could count on one hand the number of times my hair's been down since summer's started.

Monday, July 18, 2011


I don't mind working by myself,
usually stuck among my thoughts as it is.

But then there was that phone call to Mom
on break

And she got that drop of worry in her voice,
"You're yourself?"

I laugh,
because she's being ridiculous

Until I catch myself
looking over my shoulder

Watching blackened rooms
out of the corner of my eye and

Suddenly I can't stop thinking about the guy
freshman year

Who stood outside the window
in a choir robe and clown mask

or How much I really hated that mask
and you know, I've never really like the dark...

Nightshift - it's a risk.

Monday, July 11, 2011

When I Get to the End

We took the youngest kids to the nursing home this morning,
to find a "friend" and work on a project -
which ends up being the kids coloring and
the elderly watching with content little smiles.

I found myself watching them,
big eyes and freckled skin
next to crepe paper wrinkles
and rounded shoulders.

Life must go so fast -
and maybe you don't even notice until you get to the end.

I just hope when I get there, I'm proud of the memories I made.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

She came Home

Last night, we went out on the boat in the dark, slipping onto the water as lightning trembled at the horizon. As we sat among bruised shadows, something welled up against my heart, so soft and good, it ached. It was the memory of myself, before I got lost in the desperation of change.

I came home.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Best Weekend in a Long Time

Life is beautiful -

hope you're enjoying it =)

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Meet Hermione!

Gifted to me by wonderful friends Mal and Ryan, Hermione is my newest friend :)

She's a very cautious creature but I think she's starting to get used to me -

every night before bed we watch an episode of House

and she crawls around on my belly.

She's a simple little thing, but she makes me happy.

Monday, June 27, 2011

inspired::Mary Lou & Jim

In the midst of my
distrust-of-love-and-all-things-good phase,
I find Mary Lou and Jim breath taking.

After 50 years of marriage,
they still hold hands when they walk,
kiss longer than they have to,
and make each other laugh.

They inspire me to believe,
that maybe sometimes,
love is everything it should be.

Saturday, June 25, 2011


I travel to Alexandria on my weekends,
to work,
because work is money,
and money is {apparently} essential.

My days are filled with
lime green work shirts,
the making of beds,
and toilet bowl cleaner.

But also,
worn to a beautiful familiarity.

Which, if you ask me, is worth all the
chemical saturated heat filled days ;)

Monday, June 20, 2011

Hahaha, Yup

I laughed outloud when I found this - I get this ALL THE TIME.
and's just my face =)

(found at:

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Another Start

"Take courage. Do not fear. Start a new life tomorrow. Put the old mistakes away, and start anew. I give you a fresh start. Be not burdened. Be not anxious. If My forgiveness were for the righteous only, and those who had not sinned, where would be its need?...Why do you fret and worry so? I wait to give you all that is lovely, but your lives are soiled with worry and fret. You would crush my treasures. I can only bless glad, thankful hearts."

-God Calling

In recent weeks I have found myself walking on the outskirts of God's love, weary to make eye contact. In my subconscious, I always thought christianity was about the level of perfection you could offer up to Him -

I am all about perfection. No expectation should be less. No mistake should be accepted.

But I'm learning the hard way, turning it over in my hands waiting for it to be familiar - God's grace is not because I deserve it, not because of my perfection, or my effort for it.

Even as my skin feels muddied, my heart seemingly ruined...
He finds me worth loving,
a thought still uncomfortable. but true.

"It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

-Matthew 9:12-13

Thursday, June 9, 2011


It's pure country out here - drifting fields running up into yellowed mountains.
Here, it's easy to believe the world is still a big place.
Easy to believe there's room to dream.

It's almost enough to make me want to marry a cowboy.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Brother Understands

I hang my legs through the window,
painfully pale,
as he drags on his cigarette,
soft smoke,
drifting across my lap.

We trade thoughts like
playing cards,
lazily throwing them down
for the other to observe.

We dig out the pockets of pain,
brush off faded hopes,
and sit in silence,
to avoid being alone.

It's a treasure,
having someone to hold your thoughts,
when they've become too heavy,
a person to lean on
when you need a breath.

Life is lighter,
when you're understood.

Monday, May 30, 2011

to Regret

I can feel it coming after a long day,
when the heat and prolonged minutes have worn me thin,
the bitter copper rising up under my tongue,
a sinking in my bones.

Regret -
lingering in the veins
to whisper at my wrists.

Over time, I will bleed you out.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011


So it appears I have a rash, thanks to my lovely little children at work. Just some viral illness, I'm not even contagious...just ugly. Ha.

That's ok, I was needing a break from being so darn good looking anyways...
Who doesn't want legs that make you look like a leper lizard baby?
Or a polka dotted rhino?

Being attractive is way overrated anyways....

Monday, May 23, 2011

Before Insanity

Where's the line between boredom and insanity?
Because I think I may be getting close, folks.

I'm almost bored enough to clean.

I miss school, and my brain turning creative circles.
I miss purpose.

Thankfully, summer work schedule will be starting soon,
and hopefully I'll get to be home more.
Once I have something to do it'll be better.

In the mean time, I'll be writing nonsense
and digging up old pictures! <3

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Rain on the Roof

Waking to a soft splattering
knee socks and tights
still hidden under sweats,
fuzzy warmth rubbing at my legs,
with pillows and comforters piled high
and eyes drifting back to sleep.
In the darkened room I think,
this is a great feeling.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011


Sometimes after work,
when everybody else I know is
still sleeping (=P)
I go for a drive
with the windows down
and the music loud,
without thinking a thought.
It's wonderful.

Today I had the strongest urge
to pull over and run
into a strangers field,
just to bury my feet in the dirt,
overturned, warm on the surface,
and cooled underneath.
I wanted to stand, half planted,
in the sunlight,
and enjoy being alive.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Out of Focus Eyes

I removed my glasses in the rain
and watched the world turn to
smears, all but the
rain slanting in front of my face.

And I walked in the gray
with out of focus eyes
counting the drops against my cheek
and my steps upon the ground.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

where i am

Dani and I are late night homework friends
procrastinater friends
silly conversation friends.

Tomorrow is my last day of school,
the end of first year
and i'm so relieved
and yet reluctant to let go.

I miss my bubba.
so many days
full of unshared words
stored up waiting
to be understood.

this is where i am.

Monday, May 9, 2011

:: godson::

{ his chubbiness sends me over the moon }
Watching him being marked as a child of God,
an honor and a privilege <3

Friday, May 6, 2011

Eyes to the Sky

{my girl Dani}
No heavy words today -
just a picture that makes me smile.

Eyes to the sky friends, eyes to the sky.
We're on our way up.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

that little girl

this morning, in that moment before awareness
i smelled the warm air suspended in my room
and i remembered
being young in the summer
with dirty feet and tangled hair
running out of the cooled garage
into the white light
across the street to the tree house
carpeted in leaves and shadows
jumping off of rough bark
with hands around twisted rope
to swing out into the sky

and i woke with tears in my eyes,

homesick for that little girl

Tuesday, May 3, 2011


one of these days

i'm just gonna

shimmy out of this skin

and walk away.

she isn't good for me.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Good Moments

I make her document these days,
even when the grass is freezing our feet
and the spring air is rubbing at our arms.

Because we'll only be here once.
And I want to remember the good moments existed.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011


there's molasses in her veins
and vinegar in her mouth.

eyes full of glass,
she persists.

Monday, April 25, 2011

One Current Positive

Listen, I'm just gonna say it how it is today...Life is crap. Straight up crap.

But I don't feel like being your Debbie Downer, so instead we're going to focus on my one current positive:

This morning outside on the playground, one of my preschoolers became concerned about my lack of a boyfriend...
But don't worry he had a solution:
"You can get a baby and wait for him to get big. And then he'll like you and he won't get tired of you." (all said in that cute little child voice they all still have)

So I smiled. And you only need one smile a day, right?


Saturday, April 23, 2011


Somedays, I realize I may possibly fear mediocrity - commonness - more than flat out failure. What if you try hardest, only to end up average?

Really, I think the problem is having a lot of big dreams and a small amount of patience -- I think if I don't have it now, I never will.

Piece by piece I'm going to build myself into the girl I want to be. One day, I'm going to wear what I want to wear, photograph what inspires me, and write words other people are scared to.

and "average" will just be some foreign word.

Friday, April 22, 2011

a Good Friday it is

Precious little boys make everything alright

Monday, April 18, 2011

Two Years: Honesty

I missed my own anniversary - 2 years, as of Sunday.
Freedom. Healing. Growth.
But what does that mean, two years later?
Well, I'll be honest with you:

I still cut. In fact, I've never made it longer than 8 months. It is still a temptation I face on a daily basis - a lie I turn to when everything else feels out of control. Do these fresh scars mean I am any less healed? I don't think so. No addiction is recovered from quickly.

I still lose myself, breaking down into a shaking mess on my bedroom floor, pain pouring from a wound I can't cover, I can't hide from. Some damage takes time to recover from.

I'm still afraid - 98% of the time it feels like. There is not a day I don't doubt myself, not a night I don't go to bed without wondering, am I enough?

I still - briefly - wish, it would all go away. That I would go away.

But this, this, is how I know I am healed -

I know I don't need the cutting like I used to. Now, it only happens at my ultimate breaking point, instead of every little thing that goes wrong. And no, it's not something I'm proud of, but after it happens, I brush myself off, I take a deep breath, and I try again. I may backslide, but I never let it own me.

I know, ultimately, I am a Daughter of God, cherished, precious, safe. I know that I am loved and I am not alone. Those lost moments, they still hurt, but I know they won't last forever. I am stronger.

I know that fear is an illusion, that, really all I have to do is keep walking, even when I'm not sure where I'm going. Sometimes you have to do, and be, just because, even if it doesn't make sense, because you know it'll be ok, you're just not sure how.

I know that I can trust,( I'm just not that good at it.)
I know that I can be brave.
Be strong.
Be patient.
Be loved.

I know that I can be the person God created me to be-
it may take excruciating effort...
but I know that broken, hopeless version of myself no longer exists.

That...that is healing.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Everything Fades


it all fades
leaving but
a throbbing ache
along the lining of my heart

but God has made me strong.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Leave of Absence

I'll be leaving for a little while, from the blog at least.
It may only be a coupe days, or it may be a couple weeks.
I'm not really sure, I'm just letting you know, so I don't feel guilty about the silence.

I've lost my hope for the moment, and I don't feel good writing without it.

Someone gave me permission to grieve today
And although I don't want to {it hurts}
they said it helps things heal faster,
compared to shoving it down deep.
That's what they said at least.

So I'm giving it a try.
See you on the other side.

Monday, April 11, 2011


{christ is risen by Matt Maher}

I love hearing this song in the morning, it just gets my heart goin!

"Oh death! Where is your sting?
Oh hell! Where is your victory?
Oh church! Come stand in the light!
The glory of God has defeated the night!" it Satan.

Saturday, April 9, 2011


"The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be - and when they're not, we cry."

It's been a long week.
I wish Trust wasn't such a hard notion.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Golden Days

You know,
the days you wait for
when you're going
through the rough patches;
Dream about,
as you hold your breath.
The days that leave you
with a little smirk
on your lips;
Create that song,
down low in your chest.

today, was golden.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

not doing homework

This is how Glenn and I feel about our small business homework...

Look at us, choosing to be postive!! (ha. psh.) p.s. yes, Glenn is a girl. No, that is not her first name.
p.p.s tuesdays are my least favorite days.
p.p.p.s. but it's ok, i'm baking cookies tonight. real cookies. boom.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

a Thought thrown Away

I found a thought in my brain this morning,
pulled it out in surprise.

There it sat in my bare hand
twisted and shaking,

what if God is disappointed in me?
what if He stops loving me?

And I rolled it up and threw it out the window
into the light where it couldn't live --

because I knew, a small piece of me knew,
that it was wrong.

I just didn't know for a moment,
who I was.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God --" Ephesians 2:8

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

worth a thousand words

Some friendships just can't be put into words


Tuesday, March 29, 2011

being Productive. Me?

commercial: Shallow Depth of Field

and photoshop: retouch
Sleeping in vs. Getting Homework done....
Homework won =)
Life's been stressful lately,
it feels good to check some things off the list.

Just thought I'd share

Monday, March 28, 2011

thought of the day

thought of the day: it's really hard not comparing yourself to every single person around you.

Her work is better than mine
He's smarter than me
She's way prettier

But you know, those thoughts don't get me anywhere, they just bring me down. The only person I should be comparing myself to is... Me. Has my work improved? Am I trying my hardest? What can I do better?

Of couse, easier said than done -- as always.

Well, I guess I'll go work on that ...
In the meantime, I'll leave you with this slightly creeper picture of me...

Saturday, March 26, 2011

the weekend i was looking for

this morning
i slept
until i didn't need to.

no alarm.
no responsibility.
no worry.

just woke up breathing
and felt good about it

Monday, March 21, 2011

breathing's overrated

we're drowning in a sea of photoshop
suffocating in a land of photo shoots

but who needs to breathe?

{today my, uh, "serious" professor -
he laughed...
out loud.
kind of magical =P.}

Sunday, March 20, 2011

experience it

we danced in the middle
a waltz, or something like it,
to salsa music
so perfectly awkward
next to their flawlessly swaying hips,
and they smiled as we tried.
the song changed
and they all came out
to the dance floor
feet stepping
and arms pumping
and we kept on dancing
even as we stood out.

just for the experience

Friday, March 18, 2011

Note to Self


written bold across my chest
in hopes it will
sink into my anxious heart

written loud
to drown out the whisper
"he will get tired of you"

i know you're tired of fighting the same old fight,
only because i know i am too-
but it's spring
and we can breathe deep.
we are stronger than we think.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

wait for this

the one
who waits
for you
to pull shards
out of old wounds
you let scar
so you can
finally be whole

and holds your hand
when it hurts to do so

Sunday, March 13, 2011


My first friend at Concordia,

she tied a bandana around my arm
and I promised to bring roses to her funeral

she had my sense of humor
and a smile like pop rocks

Alicia was the color of life
that bounced into my room

full of stories,
grin constantly quirked.

I still miss our afternoon naps
those quiet, still moments

and episodes of Friends
when my heart needed settling

She is never ending optimism, an eager celebration of life.

my "olympia" inspires me to laugh because I can, to live just because I'm alive -
She shows me how to find the sun on the cloudy days,
and how to be the Kylee I've always dreamed of being.