Wednesday, April 25, 2012

true Success

the future's been weighing on my chest,
And then, I remembered this, 

"By myself I can do nothing; I judge only as I hear, and my judgment is just, for I seek not to please myself but him who sent me." John 5:30

I think when I finally start measuring my life by the glory I bring Him,
instead of other's people standards,
then, only then, I will know true success.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Concrete Steps Lead to Clouded Dreams

Observing. Assisting. Learning

It's a little daunting, 
trying to figure out Who am I?
How do I reflect this?
What do I want my work to be known for

I've never been good at pouring concrete steps,
the plans and actions it takes to accomplish dreams,
but I'm finding the more I work on the "real", the details,
the more tangible the clouds become. 

The best part about being here,
is this tremor of excitement inside my chest,
this shiver of inspiration humming low. 

{and for your daily dose of Cuteness! 
here's my cousin's little guy}

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Change should be Easier by Now

Last day of class today. Ever ever. 
I tried to hum along with radio, as I drove out of the 
parking lot, so I could pretend like my throat didn't ache. 
Tapped underneath my eyes,
to remind the tears they were not welcome. 

Because I'm grown up, and change should be easier by now. 
Instead I find good-bye's still taste as sharply bittersweet 
as they ever did,
and memories cling to my heels with urgent hands. 

I'm anticipating the coming adventure,
but thankful, so thankful, for lessons learned here. 

Friday, April 13, 2012

a First of Many

Finding the words to tell you this comes hard, although not harder than expected, because there are never really words for a moment like this - honesty so naked it makes people uncomfortable. I find myself pacing the carpet of my room, wondering how to say this.

I look down at my bare arms and think, maybe this once I just won’t lie, but simply tell the truth. When you ask me what the scars are from I won’t say barbed wire, or just that it happened a long time ago.

Instead I will say, I used to be a cutter.

And let it sit between us raw and ragged. You don’t have to look away you know, or stammer for a response. This is my past, not my present. 

It started years ago in an act of desperation, fighting to feel anything but emptiness, turning into a comfort, a constant source of control in my lopsided world. And finally, a punishment, because I didn’t deserve any better.

But the important thing, friends, isn’t who I used to be, but who I’ve become. As of today, it has been one year since the last time I cut.

365 days of choosing to be strong when it hurt
                  of knowing I don’t need the control
                  of believing I am worth far, far more

I used to dream of a life where Better was more than a word and scars weren’t a prize. For a while, all I could do was Hope that such a thing could exist.

The crazy part is – it does.

Three years ago when Jesus healed me of my depression, I thought it would be some sort of magic. But I’ve discovered along the way, healing is a process. Healing is the ability to hear the lies amidst the truths; it’s the perseverance against rejection, the courage to love yourself.

To the Kylee who thought they’d never stop craving that first catch of pain:

Happy one-year anniversary. We did it. 

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Sitting next to Rachel

I slide my elbow to the right,
into her space, on purpose
to get a reaction.
She pokes me with a pencil
to make me jump
and then we look at each other 
and laugh. 

Two years I've been sitting by this girl,
I realize, give or take a summer 
and some breaks. 
And now here we are, 
for the last time. 

I think of all the silent laughter,
of the times I wrote "future Mrs. Tebow"
in her planner,
Boring days I leaned on her shoulder 
to stay awake,
even though I knew I was in her bubble,
and she let me. 

And of course the time she said something 
about me REALLY LOUD,
making everyone turn and stare
at me, who of course 
blushed like crazy. 

I'm going to miss sitting next to Rachel. 

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Relearning a Lesson on Dreams

I wrote once of holding on to dreams too tight {here}, stubbornly clutching at them like a fistful of balloons. I thought I'd learned how to let them go, enjoy the rush of rising strings against my palm. 

And yet, here I am a few years later, nailing my balloons to the ground, right where I can see them, right where I can control them. 

Silly girl. 

This time, it's easier to let go, the benefit I think of relearning a lesson. This time, there is the comfort of time proving itself. Because the last few years, while imperfect, turned out just fine. God delivered. 

I'm excited about moving to Sioux Falls. About being a photographer. About climbing the way to success. 

This time, as I release my dreams into the sky, I know they'll multiply. 

Friday, April 6, 2012

Winding Down

I downloaded the 30 day trial of photoshop, so I had to play around some while Korinny and I watch Cake Boss =) 

Two weeks kids, two weeks. Then I'm off to internship for 3 weeks and then...
A piece of me just wants to curl up in a ball and cry when I think about it.
Change is not my thing,
I know it'll all end up ok,
it's just the getting there that gives me some trouble. 

The worst part is just not knowing where my life is going.
I am a girl who likes to have a plan --
but then again, 
none of my "life plans" have ever actually turned out so...
Trying to remember to simply set goals,
and let God carve out the way! 

Monday, April 2, 2012

Breathe a Little

This morning I crawled out of bed around 5:30, showered, put on my face and even managed to do my hair. (I know, I know, it's intense)
Drove to work by 7 and oh...yeah...I don't work today.

Awesome Sauce.

I don't know what it is about this week, but I am stressed,
so I'm taking a day off.
Well, half a day.

As soon as school is done, I'm running some errands and then heading up to Alexandria to see two of my favorite girls! It's only an hour away, but sometimes, you just need to get out of the routine, you know? Breathe a little.

oh, and Happy Birthday Rachel! Sorry for teasing you so much already ;)

Here's me and the girls! It's been WAY too long since we've all been together!