Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I want

I find myself mesmerized by the light reflecting off brass door knobs, lulled into whispered thought by the churning of the washing machine. I begin to count how many times the cursor will blink before more words bleed out of my fingertips.

But there are no words. Just this feeling of barely breathing, my heart burrowing deep, refusing to admit: I want.

I want you to love me because I cannot love myself.
I want you to cup my heart in your hands and breathe life into it.
I want you to want me so I know I am worthy.

I guess I thought coming here was washing everything clean, starting off fresh. But every morning I wake up with blurring disappointment to find, I. am. still. here. Same scars, same mistakes, same struggles.

It was foolish of me to think this would be easy. Naive of me to think the key to finding myself was simply going elsewhere.

Sorry, friends. I get tired of being tired. Years and years of being tired.
But I will try again tomorrow.


  1. i found the same to be true in africa...funny how we can think that our location changes us and it does in a way..but the underneath is still there. frustrating at times. but all the more reason to press in and dig deep!!
    loving you from afar and sending a BIG hug your way.

  2. Wow, love you bunches. Praying for you!

  3. same scars but not the same. You now try to be different and better. trust me you are changing. love you to the moon and back! stay srong! ill be praying for you!