Today, my older brother told me the main reason I'm not in a relationship is because I am vicious and condescending to guys....
I hate when he's right ;) (no really, I checked with some guy friends...they agreed with him.)
I must have SOME good moments, because I still manage to have a couple guy friends... but it made me pretty sad to realize how true that statement was.
I'm scared of people in general, but I'm especially bad with guys, particularly ones close to my age.
I am terrified of being judged, of not being good enough, of being hurt. And somehow, over the years, I've projected these fears onto my relationships with men. Instead of giving anyone a chance, I surround myself with walls of indifference and barbed wire words. They can't hurt me if I keep them at a distance. They can't judge me if I judge them first. In short, I'm prickly... :P
but it's getting old...and it's not getting me anywhere. I'd like to be known for my smile and my encouragement rather than my biting comments and ego crushing stares.
Back at college I used to say I built up walls to see who cared enough to tear them down. And while I have to say I still somewhat believe in that theory...maybe it's time the walls came down on their own. Brick by stubborn brick.
The last week has been rough, oh so horribly rough. I sank so far down I was afraid I'd lose my grip all together. Sometimes, the hate I still find for myself shocks and frightens me. But I'm on my way back up... I may be on my hands and knees, crawling for dear life... but I can see the light again.