Persist

there's molasses in her veins

and vinegar in her mouth.

eyes full of glass,

she persists.

One Current Positive

Listen, I'm just gonna say it how it is today...Life is crap. Straight up crap.

But I don't feel like being your Debbie Downer, so instead we're going to focus on my one current positive:

This morning outside on the playground, one of my preschoolers became concerned about my lack of a boyfriend...

But don't worry he had a solution:

"You can get a baby and wait for him to get big. And then he'll like you and he won't get tired of you." (all said in that cute little child voice they all still have)

So I smiled. And you only need one smile a day, right?

xoxo

Mediocrity

Somedays, I realize I may possibly fear mediocrity - commonness - more than flat out failure. What if you try hardest, only to end up average?

Really, I think the problem is having a lot of big dreams and a small amount of patience -- I think if I don't have it now, I never will.

Piece by piece I'm going to build myself into the girl I want to be. One day, I'm going to wear what I want to wear, photograph what inspires me, and write words other people are scared to.

and "average" will just be some foreign word.

a Good Friday it is

Precious little boys make everything alright

Two Years: Honesty

I missed my own anniversary - 2 years, as of Sunday.
Freedom. Healing. Growth.
But what does that mean, two years later?
Well, I'll be honest with you:

I still cut. In fact, I've never made it longer than 8 months. It is still a temptation I face on a daily basis - a lie I turn to when everything else feels out of control. Do these fresh scars mean I am any less healed? I don't think so. No addiction is recovered from quickly.

I still lose myself, breaking down into a shaking mess on my bedroom floor, pain pouring from a wound I can't cover, I can't hide from. Some damage takes time to recover from.

I'm still afraid - 98% of the time it feels like. There is not a day I don't doubt myself, not a night I don't go to bed without wondering, am I enough?

I still - briefly - wish, it would all go away. That I would go away.

But this, this, is how I know I am healed -

I know I don't need the cutting like I used to. Now, it only happens at my ultimate breaking point, instead of every little thing that goes wrong. And no, it's not something I'm proud of, but after it happens, I brush myself off, I take a deep breath, and I try again. I may backslide, but I never let it own me.

I know, ultimately, I am a Daughter of God, cherished, precious, safe. I know that I am loved and I am not alone. Those lost moments, they still hurt, but I know they won't last forever. I am stronger.

I know that fear is an illusion, that, really all I have to do is keep walking, even when I'm not sure where I'm going. Sometimes you have to do, and be, just because, even if it doesn't make sense, because you know it'll be ok, you're just not sure how.

I know that I can trust,( I'm just not that good at it.)
I know that I can be brave.
Be strong.
Be patient.
Be loved.

I know that I can be the person God created me to be-
it may take excruciating effort...
but I know that broken, hopeless version of myself no longer exists.

That...that is healing.

Everything Fades

love

trust

hope

faith

pain

it all fades

leaving but

a throbbing ache

along the lining of my heart

but God has made me strong.

Leave of Absence

I'll be leaving for a little while, from the blog at least.
It may only be a coupe days, or it may be a couple weeks.
I'm not really sure, I'm just letting you know, so I don't feel guilty about the silence.

I've lost my hope for the moment, and I don't feel good writing without it.

Someone gave me permission to grieve today
And although I don't want to {it hurts}
they said it helps things heal faster,
compared to shoving it down deep.
That's what they said at least.

So I'm giving it a try.
See you on the other side.