pretty little things

After a long week, 

it's good to be lazy - 

spend the day in pajama pants, watch a new show on netflix,

wrap presents, and put up christmas decorations. 

In a world of mundane schedules,

it's the pretty little things that lift my spirit. 

a dreamer's hunger

and my prayer tonight Lord, is that you will give me a hunger in my life,

from the heart and not of the flesh;

that finds a home along the curve of my mind;

a hunger that will allow me contentment

but never, ever to settle. 

we were meant to be More than this -

can you feel it?  

just as you are

we take for granted the people who already love us -

it's the ones who don't care,

we'll spend our whole lives trying to prove wrong. 

i hope you know you are already worth loving, just as you are. 

in Motion

If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results." 

- Jack Dixon

Right now, it's all about being in motion. 

I can handle working two jobs, paying off loans, and living in SD,

as long as I'm constantly pushing -

I can't explain it except, my heart is always pulling away,

always striving for where I want to be [ who i want to be ]. 

and If my heart can stay in motion,

the rest of me can handle the necessity of staying put. 

Soul Shaping

maybe God is waiting to see what you do with your life Right Now before He gives you more.

This came to me mid-rant with God,

because, you know,

"all those Other people are living my dreams

and looking good doing it. "

Funny how quietly He talks when I'm yelling. 

What seems simple and mundane now,

will likely in hindsight,

be a soul shaper for your future. 

There is Calm

A few nights ago I found myself laying in bed,

tears creasing my face as I thought, 

"I don't think I can do this God. I don't know if it's worth it." 

I was worn down

worn out

worn through. 

And then, I was reminded, by my good friend Pastor Teske,

of my healing - 

of my identity, a beloved daughter of God,

who's been rescued and set free {thank you Jesus}. 

So again,

I said a prayer,

to chase out the Lies, the Self Hate, the Oppression,

and asked to be filled with His Love, His Peace, His Security. 

I have just spent the last 24 hours free of any negative thoughts -

no fear,

no anxiety,

no abusive self talk. 

For the first time in a long time,

there is calm. 

on a farm in Iowa

we went out, for about an hour or so, to "experience iowa" as I said, with a laugh. Although i meant it too, you have go out on the dirt roads and soak in the night air, so full of stars; go and meet the local folk, who will not only show you the bathroom, but insist on standing inside with you

when they ask, he says, "we're like family". and i smile because it's true, even though it's been about 7 years since I last saw the guy. but our moms are best friends from high school and we've been playing together since as early as i can remember. it's one of those friendships that doesn't fade, just sits, suspended

he fills me in on life as we drive back, his face illuminated by the dashboard lights. his voice is lower and his hair is longer and i'm pleasantly surprised to find a man where i once knew a boy

we fall asleep in the living room, just like we're 10 all over again, sinking into couches with puppies curled against our stomachs. we laugh about boys and girls and nothing at all until its three in the morning and we've run out of air

some of my favorite memories have taken place on that farm. i think it's because it's one of the few places left in my life full of good, strong people and unconditional love

My heart aches Twice

I didn't even realize it was 9/11 this morning - not until scrolling through Facebook before work. I was wondering why everyone was feeling so patriotic. And then came the photos of the twin towers and that feeling of loss welling up beneath my rib cage.

Everyone talks about where they were that morning, when they first heard, when they first saw. But when I think of September 11th, that memory isn't my first, but my second.

The first is standing in our driveway, early morning dew clinging to our ankles as we watched Bryan ride his new, red scooter. He wore a paper crown and a crooked grin. I always find it ironic the same day tragedy occurred, we were celebrating a life well lived, oblivious of what was to come.

Now, years later, a breaking heart still overshadows a breaking country. Amidst the memories of falling towers, piles of rubble, and grieving disbelief, is Bryan. My heart aches for this country, for what we lost.

But it aches harder for the birthdays left uncelebrated.

When Overwhelmed, Hug a Tree

Life has been a little ... much

this week - not bad, just a lot. 

A lot of learning new things, 

making plans,

dreaming dreams,

and working hard. 

Today, Mom and I went out scouting photo locations (mini sessions coming up!!), 

I got a haircut,

and spent the afternoon reading Hunger Games. 

Yay weekends! 

Put some beads back in my hair. love. 

       

senior photo moment?? ... it happens ;) 

 and because I'm a dork. 

it will be Worth it

After spending most of the day (okay lets be honest, most of the week) 

spewing bitterness and anxiety, 

I came across this: 

Satan has a very loud whisper,

but I am stronger than he knows. 

There is a plan. There is a purpose. 

And I like to think someday I'll get to look back

and see the value in these days. 

First you must End to Begin Again

 There were last minute dinner dates
and escapes to my home town,
while it was still so close.

The tail end of work days,
where I stood still to remember
what it felt like to belong there.

Held a sparkler in my hands and
perched on a swing,
while we poured our hearts out on the sand.

Gathered all the memories
that made it Home
and buried them in my packing boxes.

If I wasn't scared of never changing, never growing, never being all that my heart desires, I would have stayed. But while I loved where I was, I love the thought of where I will be even more.

On the brink of Change

I love this photo (blurriness and all) because I know I'm going to look back someday and think, "Oh yes, this was the end of summer after college, right on the brink of change, when I didn't really know what was going to happen, but I knew it was going to be good." 

Found this quote on pinterest and I think it's perfect for where I'm at: 

Dear God,

I've tried my best, but if today I lose my hope, please remind me your plans are better than my dreams.

Amen, pinterest, amen. 

Hearts offbeat

I need to recapture my heart,
reach and grasp and tuck
it away, down deep inside my chest.
Teach it to beat steady again -

when you fill it up with shallow things,
 it's bound to lose its rhythm.

I hear the irregularity when I talk to my brothers,
our common desire to be loved,
to love,
and our shared inability to
Wait, to have patience.

Like eating sand,
when our mouths beg for water,
I watch us pour in affection, lust, and meaningless words
that only make the aching space grow.

Our hearts are offbeat,
and there's only one kind of Love
that can make it go steady,
only one kind of Love
that can satisfy this thirst.

HIS.

"and in Christ you have been brought to fullness" -Colossians 2:10

This is what life looks like...

When you  spend an hour braiding bracelets...

and then you get your butt kicked by Carli at speed... 

and she tries to feel bad about it...and fails horribly...

(I would like to point out one of the many reasons I love Carli is because of her adorable Anime eyes!! cute right?? haha)

The day you became Great

Yesterday  I heard my own voice saying, "You'll never amount to anything," and I thought, would you say that to your friend?  Of course I wouldn't. So I gave myself the challenge of writing a letter to myself, as if I were writing it to a friend. Sometimes, you have to practice speaking kindly to yourself...

I'm sharing this, in case you need to hear it, in case you need to be reminded of how wonderful you already are!

_______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Friend,

I know you’re scared. I can feel the trembling in your words, the anxiety hovering between syllables. You’re scared that you’ll never accomplish anything or be proud of yourself.

You’re afraid you’ll never be anything “Great”.

I understand, but at the same time, I can’t believe you don’t already know.

You became great the day you said good-bye, stood strong as they left your heart beating a little slower. You watched them go, a melting mess of salty tears and tired skin, and refused to crumble.

And after, when Grief and Emptiness pounded at your doors, held their hands up to the windows in offering –you shook your head and covered your ears, fought their friendship even as your felt alone.

You became great when you accepted your identity as a beautiful child of God, instead of defining yourself by the scars that littered your life. You scrubbed the lies off of your heart and clothed yourself in Truth: “you are treasured, you are loved, you are Enough.”

Or what about when you finally gave your dreams up to God? You, so full of control, for once trusted someone other than yourself. Remember the awesomeness of seeing what He could do when you just let go??

You became great when you realized it’s not about the amount of perfection you can offer, but rather, about the gift of grace God extends to you. You learned to breathe without guilt and shame again. What a wonderful thing…

Everyday, I watch you take a step forward instead of staying still. No matter how slow the progress, you have changed, grown, and matured. And I am so proud.

You, my friend, are already something “Great”.

It’s only a matter of opening your eyes and seeing it.



With or Without Makeup

It's funny how quickly we become accustomed to summer,
weather so hot the hairs along the back of my neck curl
and there's a perpetual drop of sweat in the hollow of my throat.

It's nice to work at a place, where they love you
with or without your makeup.
And that's sayin somethin...

Avoiding Heatstroke

It's hard to come home from vacation no matter what,
but it doesn't help when you come home to
a notice that rent is being raised
and a broken air conditioner.

Thank goodness for friends who let you crash at their house so you don't die of heatstroke.

My prayer tonight is to remember the things I enjoy about Willmar -
I so easily focus on the bad memories,
but I have to remember, there will be moments I'm going to miss.

the key to living

There's something about riding in the back of my uncle's pick up truck as the sun goes down, deep blue melting into pinks and golds. Letting the wind blow curls across my face and my shoulder blades jar against the side as tires spit up dust.

It's good to be quiet and look out over fields rolling away from me, permission to breathe and be content. There's a pride in knowing the generations before me worked every day with dirt beneath their nails, knew the value of hard work, gave their lives to a job that few can appreciate or understand.

My uncle let me ride the palomino - climbed the fence and threw a leg over, a few moments of naked knees against a smooth coat, fingers twisted tightly in her mane. Out of my element, but thankful for people who live their lives differently than mine.

It's good to see there are many ways to live a life well. If you love what you do, and you do it whole heartedly. That, I think is the key.

Brothers from another Mother

I come "home" late, dragging in dirty feet and crazy hair. You welcome me with hugs and sandwich making.

I step into the circle of the kitchen, while we hum songs, pass the turkey, make fun of bad music. I like that it's natural for me to be here.

A few hours later, after talking, movie watching, story telling, I realize {again} you are the kind of men I want to be around - encouraging, confident, hardworking and kind.

I like who I am when I'm with you. I like how life looks. A little bit better.

You don't know this, but you help center me.

Life is a Prayer

I pray forward on my way to work, the advice of my father - "Prepare yourself to serve before you even get there."
Bless the kids at work. Help them to enjoy their time with us. Keep them safe. Let me make their day a better day. 
When I realize every person I work with, I consider a friend
Thank you for these people in my life. Thank you for the encouragement you give me through them. 
Remembering the little things
I love these days without humidity  <3 thank you
As I'm rubbing on sunscreen for the third time in a day
Give me energy. 
and the kids still aren't listening
Help me remember to say please & thank you. Help my words to always be kind. 
When they ask to play with me or reach for my hand
I love these kids, Lord 
As I prepare for bed and the next day
Please shape my heart to reflect you. 

Travels

In the past month I've graduated college 

Traveled to Alexandria to watch friends get married, 

went out with my brother and his friends,

Taken a bus to Chicago,

explored and enjoyed the city,

Ridden a train to Michigan City,

to be part of an awesome wedding,

and brought my car into the shop. Four times. 

Oh, and tomorrow I'm in another friend's wedding =) 

It's been busy, a little bit stressful, and a whole lot of wonderful

Escape & Recharge

Maybe it was all of the change, streaming by at once, life in the middle of a carousel

Maybe it was the decisions that needed to be made, slowed down by controlling perfectionism

Whatever it was, by the end of last week, I was worn out

I found myself driving around my home town crying for no good reason

I was tired

So I took a break - put away the computer, visited with friends, went out and danced like I didn't care

Because for a moment, it was just good to be thankful for where I was and who I was with

Somehow, it's always the nights I sleep the least that recharge me the most,

the littlest moments that help me escape

Day One::the Cleanse

First day of a seven day cleanse! 

Mostly consists of a ton of water and LOTS of fruits and vegetables. 

Why you ask?

Because it's a little scary how unhealthy I've gotten. 

And, there's that bridesmaid dress I've got to squeeze into soon =) 

Today shouldn't be too hard, I actually love fruit, 

but tomorrow should be interesting -- 

a girl who never eats vegetables can ONLY eat vegetables?? 

My aunt and uncle {who I'm staying with} think it's hilarious. 

I do like carrots, so I picked up some of those. 

And if I get really, really hungry I can always  beak open a can of green beans.

But -

that'd be a pretty desperate situation! ha! 

true Success

the future's been weighing on my chest,

decisions, 

responsibility,

uncertainty. 

And then, I remembered this, 

"By myself I can do nothing; I judge only as I hear, and my judgment is just, for I seek not to please myself but him who sent me." John 5:30

I think when I finally start measuring my life by the glory I bring Him,

instead of other's people standards,

then, only then, I will know true success.

Concrete Steps Lead to Clouded Dreams

Internship. 

Observing. Assisting. Learning. 

It's a little daunting, 

trying to figure out Who am I?

How do I reflect this?

What do I want my work to be known for? 

I've never been good at pouring concrete steps,

the plans and actions it takes to accomplish dreams,

but I'm finding the more I work on the "real", the details,

the more tangible the clouds become. 

The best part about being here,

is this tremor of excitement inside my chest,

this shiver of inspiration humming low. 

{and for your daily dose of Cuteness! 

here's my cousin's little guy}

Change should be Easier by Now

Last day of class today. Ever ever. 

I tried to hum along with radio, as I drove out of the 

parking lot, so I could pretend like my throat didn't ache. 

Tapped underneath my eyes,

to remind the tears they were not welcome. 

Because I'm grown up, and change should be easier by now. 

Instead I find good-bye's still taste as sharply bittersweet 

as they ever did,

and memories cling to my heels with urgent hands. 

I'm anticipating the coming adventure,

but thankful, so thankful, for lessons learned here. 

a First of Many

Finding the words to tell you this comes hard, although not harder than expected, because there are never really words for a moment like this - honesty so naked it makes people uncomfortable. I find myself pacing the carpet of my room, wondering how to say this.

I look down at my bare arms and think, maybe this once I just won’t lie, but simply tell the truth. When you ask me what the scars are from I won’t say barbed wire, or just that it happened a long time ago.

Instead I will say, I used to be a cutter.

And let it sit between us raw and ragged. You don’t have to look away you know, or stammer for a response. This is my past, not my present. 

It started years ago in an act of desperation, fighting to feel anything but emptiness, turning into a comfort, a constant source of control in my lopsided world. And finally, a punishment, because I didn’t deserve any better.

But the important thing, friends, isn’t who I used to be, but who I’ve become. As of today, it has been one year since the last time I cut.

365 days of choosing to be strong when it hurt

                  of knowing I don’t need the control

                  of believing I am worth far, far more

I used to dream of a life where Better was more than a word and scars weren’t a prize. For a while, all I could do was Hope that such a thing could exist.

The crazy part is – it does.

Three years ago when Jesus healed me of my depression, I thought it would be some sort of magic. But I’ve discovered along the way, healing is a process. Healing is the ability to hear the lies amidst the truths; it’s the perseverance against rejection, the courage to love yourself.

To the Kylee who thought they’d never stop craving that first catch of pain:

Happy one-year anniversary. We did it. 

Sitting next to Rachel

I slide my elbow to the right,

into her space, on purpose

to get a reaction.

She pokes me with a pencil

to make me jump

and then we look at each other 

and laugh. 

Two years I've been sitting by this girl,

I realize, give or take a summer 

and some breaks. 

And now here we are, 

for the last time. 

I think of all the silent laughter,

of the times I wrote "future Mrs. Tebow"

in her planner,

Boring days I leaned on her shoulder 

to stay awake,

even though I knew I was in her bubble,

and she let me. 

And of course the time she said something 

about me REALLY LOUD,

making everyone turn and stare

at me, who of course 

blushed like crazy. 

I'm going to miss sitting next to Rachel. 

Relearning a Lesson on Dreams

I wrote once of holding on to dreams too tight {here}, stubbornly clutching at them like a fistful of balloons. I thought I'd learned how to let them go, enjoy the rush of rising strings against my palm. 

And yet, here I am a few years later, nailing my balloons to the ground, right where I can see them, right where I can control them. 

Silly girl. 

This time, it's easier to let go, the benefit I think of relearning a lesson. This time, there is the comfort of time proving itself. Because the last few years, while imperfect, turned out just fine. God delivered. 

I'm excited about moving to Sioux Falls. About being a photographer. About climbing the way to success. 

This time, as I release my dreams into the sky, I know they'll multiply. 

Winding Down

I downloaded the 30 day trial of photoshop, so I had to play around some while Korinny and I watch Cake Boss =) 

Two weeks kids, two weeks. Then I'm off to internship for 3 weeks and then...

GRADUATION. 

A piece of me just wants to curl up in a ball and cry when I think about it.

Change is not my thing,

I know it'll all end up ok,

it's just the getting there that gives me some trouble. 

The worst part is just not knowing where my life is going.

I am a girl who likes to have a plan --

but then again, 

none of my "life plans" have ever actually turned out so...

Trying to remember to simply set goals,

and let God carve out the way! 

Breathe a Little

This morning I crawled out of bed around 5:30, showered, put on my face and even managed to do my hair. (I know, I know, it's intense)
Drove to work by 7 and oh...yeah...I don't work today.

Awesome Sauce.

I don't know what it is about this week, but I am stressed,
so I'm taking a day off.
Well, half a day.

As soon as school is done, I'm running some errands and then heading up to Alexandria to see two of my favorite girls! It's only an hour away, but sometimes, you just need to get out of the routine, you know? Breathe a little.

oh, and Happy Birthday Rachel! Sorry for teasing you so much already ;)

Here's me and the girls! It's been WAY too long since we've all been together! 

Recently

Not a lot of blogging lately, but for good reasons! 

For one, this wedding,

which ROCKED my socks off -

a beautiful, friendly couple,

the most hilarious bridal party,

and one of the best dances I've ever been to! 

 Then there was this shoot with my friend Alex,

just because she's crazy cute

and I'm trying to get used to shooting outdoors again

(helloooo amazing march weather)

 and last weekend was Northern Light Convention,

full of some much needed friend time,

print competition and

learning from professionals. 

Pretty much, life's been busy,

but good.

Really good =)

Interrupted

"Keep talking," I said

as I put together my camera

"I just like the light,"

So she did,

because for us,

good light is worth

interrupting a conversation  

the Piece that is You

Somedays,

it's ok to just be proud of Yourself,

instead of waiting for others to confirm you're enough.

Trying to make Everyone happy,

is like running in circles...

exhausting and pointless.

Work hard,

try your Best,

but at the end of the day,

be secure in the beautiful, unique piece 

that is You. 

Things They Can't Teach You

No matter how long you're alive, there are some things the world just can't teach you...

Like how to make, "I'm sorry" mean "I hurt for you"

or how to trust God's Timing when you think it's Too Soon.

But most of all,

Especially this,

I wish I could learn

how to holding Breaking Hearts

together in my Bare Hands.

Here.

Dad doesn't approve of my use of the word "necessary",

when it comes to this pretty pair,

but I wasn't going to stop wearing my old ones 

until I had replacements,

and they were getting to be 

"embarrassing," according to Mom.

So now my life has a little more turquoise in it...

which it needed,

Obviously.

I like coming to Sioux Falls

and remembering who I want to be. 

Regrets hurt a little less ,

and Dreams breathe a little easier.

Here, Lonely is simply a word,

instead of a feeling.

Dear Brothers,

I miss the days

when our hearts were too young to crumble

and our minds too new 

to be our enemies. 

love, sister 

Fake it til Now

About a year and a half ago [see here] I wrote about trying to be the kind of person I want to be -
a person who laughed a lot, who leaned towards positive, and made people feel loved.

When I went to school, to work, I locked away insecurities and negativity, for later, for myself
and pulled my smile out of my pocket for others.

It wasn't a lie, just a version of myself that didn't match my insides --
I was going to fake it until I made it, whenever that would be.

Then today, talking to a friend, I realized
somehow that mask I slipped on every morning,
had become a second skin.

Somewhere along the lines, while I pretended to be that girl,
a part of me became that girl,
still an owner of insecurities and anxieties,
but more so a goofy, quirky, hopeful girl.

Who knew--
eventually, you actually do "make it"

just a Tuesday

Prepping for a photo shoot!! 

(last one of my season series..yay!) 

Competition prints 3/4 done,

Portfolio mostly picked out,

 internship falling into place. 

and still sane. 

=) 

sunrise

I like the way the sun hits my wall in the morning...

I'm in a good place right now,

which makes it hard

when people I love,

aren't. 

It's hard to realize,

you can't be enough for

everyone,

all the time. 

Sometimes you have to watch from the side

while they fight their battles,

instead of fighting for them. 

Pet Peeve

When there is only one working dryer in the whole apartment building,
you can't let laundry sit in there for 4 hours,
you just can't, ok??

...I  needed to say that to someone
=)

too Lazy to be Cute

If I cared a little bit more, I could probably be a cute girl, you know, the one with perfect hair?

But...I don't, so I'm not, and that's just fine, because I get to sleep a little longer in the morning! 

However, I have been trying to do some different things with all this hair lately -

especially now that my straightener is broken.. Good Times. 

[first off, excuse this photo...I'm a dork...and obsessed with photobooth]

Braids are my go to, especially the fish tail, because it looks like you made an effort...

with out actually making one =) Back comb the top and you're good to go! 

This still needs some work, but finally pulled off the milkmaid braid [kinda]

Again, I back comb for some volume or I look bald...

[oh, and do you see my blonde streak going through?? me like...]

and: The Poof. I am all kinds of lazy when it comes to washing my hair --

which is why dry shampoo has become my best friend! 

Rat out every inch of your hair, pile it on top, and you're good to go. 

the bigger the better, ya know? =P 

invisible words say the most

Why is it easier to write when times are hard,
when hearts hurt?

Where's the craving for words when days go well,
 smiles stay put?

Perhaps we write when it's turmoil,
because we're trying to wring it out,
make it stop,
run it dry.

and Perhaps we don't when we're content,
because we're trying to savor the taste,
the enjoyment,
soak it all in.

I suppose, sometimes, a lack of words,
speaks loudest.

Thursday

Thursday,
is the day after Girl's Night,
----> too many carbs and staying up late,
leading to a morning of
a million snooze buttons,
because honestly, a half an hour of sleep
is sometimes just more important than looking cute -
and by sometimes, I, of course, mean
most of the time.

Thursday,
is the day I make up for procrastinating,
----> last minute lab time
and promising myself I'm really going to
get this done tonight,
although, I'd just like to point out,
this isn't homework
but I am in the library,
I think that counts for something.

Thursday,
is the day I wonder
----> why isn't everybody obsessed with lighting,
angles, colors, and poses?
why doesn't everyone miss most of what their
friends just said,
because they're too busy planning a shot?
Sometimes,
I think I get a just little too excited about what I do.

Thursday,
is the day of exhaustion
----> rubbing against the back of my eyes,
pulsing ever so slowly in my head,
but thank God for techno,
I'll keep on hitting repeat.
It's all worth it, because today I laughed,
I got things done,
and I created art.

Thursday, is good.

Embrace the Nerd

these glasses just never get old for me...