a dreamer's hunger

and my prayer tonight Lord, is that you will give me a hunger in my life,

from the heart and not of the flesh;

that finds a home along the curve of my mind;

a hunger that will allow me contentment

but never, ever to settle. 

we were meant to be More than this -

can you feel it?  

just as you are

we take for granted the people who already love us -

it's the ones who don't care,

we'll spend our whole lives trying to prove wrong. 

i hope you know you are already worth loving, just as you are. 

in Motion

If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results." 

- Jack Dixon

Right now, it's all about being in motion. 

I can handle working two jobs, paying off loans, and living in SD,

as long as I'm constantly pushing -

I can't explain it except, my heart is always pulling away,

always striving for where I want to be [ who i want to be ]. 

and If my heart can stay in motion,

the rest of me can handle the necessity of staying put. 

Soul Shaping

maybe God is waiting to see what you do with your life Right Now before He gives you more.

This came to me mid-rant with God,

because, you know,

"all those Other people are living my dreams

and looking good doing it. "

Funny how quietly He talks when I'm yelling. 

What seems simple and mundane now,

will likely in hindsight,

be a soul shaper for your future. 

There is Calm

A few nights ago I found myself laying in bed,

tears creasing my face as I thought, 

"I don't think I can do this God. I don't know if it's worth it." 

I was worn down

worn out

worn through. 

And then, I was reminded, by my good friend Pastor Teske,

of my healing - 

of my identity, a beloved daughter of God,

who's been rescued and set free {thank you Jesus}. 

So again,

I said a prayer,

to chase out the Lies, the Self Hate, the Oppression,

and asked to be filled with His Love, His Peace, His Security. 

I have just spent the last 24 hours free of any negative thoughts -

no fear,

no anxiety,

no abusive self talk. 

For the first time in a long time,

there is calm. 

on a farm in Iowa

we went out, for about an hour or so, to "experience iowa" as I said, with a laugh. Although i meant it too, you have go out on the dirt roads and soak in the night air, so full of stars; go and meet the local folk, who will not only show you the bathroom, but insist on standing inside with you

when they ask, he says, "we're like family". and i smile because it's true, even though it's been about 7 years since I last saw the guy. but our moms are best friends from high school and we've been playing together since as early as i can remember. it's one of those friendships that doesn't fade, just sits, suspended

he fills me in on life as we drive back, his face illuminated by the dashboard lights. his voice is lower and his hair is longer and i'm pleasantly surprised to find a man where i once knew a boy

we fall asleep in the living room, just like we're 10 all over again, sinking into couches with puppies curled against our stomachs. we laugh about boys and girls and nothing at all until its three in the morning and we've run out of air

some of my favorite memories have taken place on that farm. i think it's because it's one of the few places left in my life full of good, strong people and unconditional love

My heart aches Twice

I didn't even realize it was 9/11 this morning - not until scrolling through Facebook before work. I was wondering why everyone was feeling so patriotic. And then came the photos of the twin towers and that feeling of loss welling up beneath my rib cage.

Everyone talks about where they were that morning, when they first heard, when they first saw. But when I think of September 11th, that memory isn't my first, but my second.

The first is standing in our driveway, early morning dew clinging to our ankles as we watched Bryan ride his new, red scooter. He wore a paper crown and a crooked grin. I always find it ironic the same day tragedy occurred, we were celebrating a life well lived, oblivious of what was to come.

Now, years later, a breaking heart still overshadows a breaking country. Amidst the memories of falling towers, piles of rubble, and grieving disbelief, is Bryan. My heart aches for this country, for what we lost.

But it aches harder for the birthdays left uncelebrated.