Dear Bryan,

5 years ago today, you left. I remember watching as life splintered down around me. Did you know you took a piece of me when you went? You took a piece of all of us...

Little things make me think of you - the color Yellow. Spaghetti. Race cars. Video games. Bowling. Cheesecake. Some memories are faded, but you're still here, in my every day.

I went back to Ecuador this summer. I saw you in the mountains, in colorful markets, in babies chocolate drop eyes. I loved on kids and couldn't help but think - someday they'll be someone's brother or sister, just like you and me.

Right now it feels like we're losing you all over again, like you're about to disappear. And I'm afraid, grasping for you, your memory like water vapor against my hands.

But I know I can't lose you, because I keep you right here, with me. "i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)" I don't go anywhere without you, Bryan, because you are a part of me.

It still hurts. Missing you has become an undercurrent, a whisper to my life. Wishing you were here comes with every breath. It's been a long 5 years, buddy, a heavy 5 years.

But we weren't alone, and that made all the difference. I like to think you made us stronger. I know it's not over yet, I don't think it's ever over, but we're still trying. I think you'd be proud of us.

Did you get the balloons? I sent them today. Yellow, just for you.

I love you, Bryan. To the moon and back. What I wouldn't give to have you here --
Before you know it, I'll be home.
With all the love in my heart....

Tu Hermana,
Kylee