to be Enough

I am ashamed to realize,
even after all this time,
some days,
I would still rather,
lay down,
and let go,
then try.



I am still waiting to be enough...

for myself.

Dear Bryan,

5 years ago today, you left. I remember watching as life splintered down around me. Did you know you took a piece of me when you went? You took a piece of all of us...

Little things make me think of you - the color Yellow. Spaghetti. Race cars. Video games. Bowling. Cheesecake. Some memories are faded, but you're still here, in my every day.

I went back to Ecuador this summer. I saw you in the mountains, in colorful markets, in babies chocolate drop eyes. I loved on kids and couldn't help but think - someday they'll be someone's brother or sister, just like you and me.

Right now it feels like we're losing you all over again, like you're about to disappear. And I'm afraid, grasping for you, your memory like water vapor against my hands.

But I know I can't lose you, because I keep you right here, with me. "i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)" I don't go anywhere without you, Bryan, because you are a part of me.

It still hurts. Missing you has become an undercurrent, a whisper to my life. Wishing you were here comes with every breath. It's been a long 5 years, buddy, a heavy 5 years.

But we weren't alone, and that made all the difference. I like to think you made us stronger. I know it's not over yet, I don't think it's ever over, but we're still trying. I think you'd be proud of us.

Did you get the balloons? I sent them today. Yellow, just for you.

I love you, Bryan. To the moon and back. What I wouldn't give to have you here --
Before you know it, I'll be home.
With all the love in my heart....

Tu Hermana,
Kylee

When One is Not Enough

In every place dear to me, with every person special to me, I leave a piece of my heart.

But I only have one heart...

and somedays, one is just not enough.

But I'm going to keep going, to the very last drop.

(I'm beginning to understand...trust is being afraid - and still letting go.)

Gringa

It's funny how quickly you get used to things: standing out. Being stared out. Not understanding basic sentences. Horrible spanish skills making you sound incompetent. But also good things: Cloud covered mountains. Green quilted fields. Bright colors and strikingly beautiful people.

We were down in Latacunga (the other orphanage site) for the past couple days, without any internet, hence the lack of blogging. We worked on floors and played with babies and enjoyed some local culture. These kids, they steal your heart.

Friday morning found me clinging to the rim of a toilet praying for deliverance... I can't remember the last time I was sick, and I hope it's a long time until it happens again! Yesterday was a long, feverish day. Ecuador didn't seem so awesome at the time.

But this morning, everything was better :) Today we spent at a massive market in the town of Otavalo. We tramped around in the rain, bartering in our broken spanish, exchanging smiles with strangers. Somehow, more than the jewelry and blankets and clothes, I treasure the smell of frying foods, the swirl of spanish, and the captured moments of a world not my own. These are the things I want to carry home...

Ecuador

Four years... that's how long it's been since I was last here. I don't think I fully realized it until I walked through the front door. Funny isn't it, how places stay the same in your mind, and in reality, nothing ever stops changing?

I'm anxious, to see how this trip goes, I want it to be such an awesome experience, because who knows the next time I get to be back here? But if I learned one thing in this life, it's that the best moments are never planned, and your favorite memories are the unexpected little things.

Everything is beautiful: the babies, the tias, the mountains, my group - I love it all. There will always be a little piece of my heart that belongs here.

Today we went grocery shopping (always interesting) and went walking to the bread store. Ecuadorian bread is the best! Tomorrow is our first full day with the babies!!
Once we get our schedule going I'm sure I'll have some great stories for all of you!
Much love from South America!

sadness can wait

My hand is out the window, hovering against the air, the sun illuminating my fingernails. My favorite praise song pushes through the speakers as I take in a deep breath, scented of lake and sun and summer. My heart shifts against its burden, rolling it to the side. Sadness can wait.

Because, you see, tomorrow, two of my dearest friends get married to each other and I'm blessed enough to be their photographer. I can't wait to soak in their joy, celebrate their love, encourage their commitment....

Now is a time for happiness :)