I will be restored

My heart is tired.

I thought this season was over.

A season of good byes

tears

struggles

and fear.

I am breaking,

but I am not beaten.

I am lost,

but not forgotten.

No matter how many times I shatter,

I will be restored.

In all this,

even as my trust wavers,

I choose to believe my Father is sovereign.

Hold Them Loosely

We hold our dreams clutched in our fists, colorful balloons tied to the earth with strings of hard work and desire.

Everybody's is different..color coordinated, random, a few, or many, but they're all ours....we carry them with us, bouncing above our heads. So often, they tug against us, fighting winds of change and doubt. But we hold tight. These our are dreams after all.

But what if God has bigger dreams?

What if God wants to trade one of your balloons for a better one? Something bigger, something brighter. You assume you already have the best dreams, but you haven't seen them all yet, only
He has.

When I graduated high school 3 years ago I had so many plans, so many dreams...and you know what? The dreams I'm holding now are completley different.

It was hard to let go of my old desires, I'd carried them for so long, but in the end I'm so glad I did...I didn't know - I just DIDN'T KNOW. I could have saved so many tears, so many worries, if only I'd held the ropes of my dreams loosely from the beginning. Instead I held on with all the stubborness in my little heart, forcing Him to pry a finger away at a time.

So friends, dream your dreams, and make your plans. But hold them loosely - God may want to trade you for something better...something much better!

random perfection

sometimes when you least expect it, life is good, randomly perfect:

-heart to hearts with my boss

-work days full of laughter

-boys who knit (oh if you only knew this story!)

-friends who love you, crazy parts and all.

-laying on the couch with Korin

-bike rides (all the way around the lake!!)

-epic moments of Rock Band with my Dad.

I apologize if this blog is lacking creativity, but sometimes when your heart is filled to the brim, you just have let it soak into your veins, and savor it in silence.

something solid

You are my something solid.

My rock.

My foundation.

My safe place.

And the threat of you leaving,
it feels like the very world tilting beneath my feet.

______________________________________________

I always dreamed about being "grown up."
If I'd known it looked like this, I would have dreamt of other things.
(it's overrated)

a good Heart scrubbing

Yesterday was one of those days I looked at myself and thought, "How did you get to this point? How did you become this person?"

It's agonizing to fully realize your worst characteristics. The truth is, I am a selfish person. I've gotten so used to not caring about myself or my life, that attitude has started to spill over to other people. I've stopped caring about them. How unfair...
So often I carry the thought, "If I'm miserable, I want others to be miserable." The thought stems out of frustration more than anything else, but still, there shouldn't be an excuse to treat others poorly.

What hurt me the most was realizing what a poor witness I can be for Christ. The truth is, I reflect the wounds the enemy has inflicted, more than I do the new life God has gifted me.

My heart needs to be scrubbed clean and my mind turned inside out...things need to be set new. I don't think I need to become an entirely different person (I don't think I could function without some form of sarcasm!), but I do think my words could be kinder, my actions more sincere, my heart gentler.

I am a beloved daughter of God. I want people to be able to tell, no matter how small amount of time they know me...

" if "

If I push you away, will it keep me from missing you when you're gone?

If I act like I don't care, will you be fooled?

If I hug you tight enough, will it keep apart of you here with me?

If I don't cry, will it make me stronger?

If I pretend like it doesn't hurt, will the ache go away?

If I never say "good-bye", does it mean you really left?

* * * * * * *

Somedays I feel as if hope is nothing more than an illusion we hand each other to help us believe it will be okay.
but What if it won't be ok? What if everything we are is already broken -- we, a shattered people beyond repair.

.bubba left today. :/

but I'm laughing

Currently, every minute is jam packed up against the next, running together until I hardly know what's going on.

I'm starting to remember again, what it is to be truly tired, when you just don't have the time to sleep.

But it's ok, because the moments I'm awake, are full of laughter. There are bad days, (oi), but they pass and I keep on plodding through to the good days.

Funny, isn't it, how a bad day can turn into a wonderful evening? Tear stained carpet turns into late night softball games and a crowded perkins booth.

Work days can drag on to eternity, and the next, they run like water through your hands. It all depends on the people...I love the ones who keep you going, keep you on track, all while taking your mind off the mundaneness.

I may be sleep deprived and counting down my work days. But I'm laughing.

Somedays

somedays, you lose the fight before you're even fully awake.

somedays, are impossible and never ending.

somedays, you hold your breath and wait for the morning.

Everything gets washed clean.

Hold strong.

When I miss who I was

Every once in awhile, I remember who I used to be. I catch a glimpse of the girl I was, like seeing a memory out of the corner of my eye, a memory so faded and fragmented, I almost forget she existed.

I used to be young, skin fresh and new, instead of this jaded, cynical shell. I believed love was the most natural, beautiful thing in the world and now most days love looks like an illusion. I remember the friendships I had, that I let go, when I was struggling to care about just one life; my own. I can see the roads I never got to take, curving out into the clouds, and I am sad...I so dearly wanted to be that girl.

But she's gone now.

And in these times, when I so bitterly miss who I was, who I could've been, I forge a promise in the shadows of my heart....
to take this girl I am now, birthed from pain and perseverance, washed in sorrow, raised in hope, and make her something beautiful. something strong. something breathtakingly unexpected.