a Couple Thousand Words

This isn't the most flattering picture of my father, but you have to understand, it was very late at night, and he's quite an old man....I'm surprised his eyes were still open!

The other night my Dad and I spontaneously (a word so rarely used in my vocabulary!) decided to go to the street dance in town and break in my new cowboy boots! The music wasn't exactly what we were looking for, but we did get a few good songs in... I love that feeling when I spin, twirling up on the balls of my feet, lights and air blurring into circles. Even when I miss a step or forget to follow, it doesn't really matter, because it all ends in laughter.

Afterwards my Dad actually agreed to go to perkins, even though it was already midnight. I think the thing I love the most about my parents is we can talk about anything. Have you heard the saying about how women use 10,000 words a day? My parents like to joke I use all my words at once, and it's kinda true. I'm a mostly quiet person, but at least once a day, I need to spill...and the people I trust the most are my parents. So I spilled my couple thousand words and Dad managed to stay awake and even respond. :)

I am one blessed girl to have the father (and mother) that I do!

Hubcaps, Tears, & Keys

With literally only about 12 hours left in the grand state of texas....I found myself sobbing uncontrollably into the shoulder of a strange woman with Riley looking on. Strange, you say? Yes, yes it was.

Riley and I were headed out to a nearby neighborhood to take some more senior pictures and I had just turned onto a street. Suddenly, a bunny darted across the road in front of us. It startled me, but I kept going, because, c'mon, it was a bunny. But then, THEN, I saw the dog out of the corner of my eye....and before I could blink or think or anything, BOOM....dog runs into the side of the van!

I slam the van into park and jump out, already shaking and beginning to cry. "I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!" I was sure I had just killed their dog. The dad told me I was fine and ran into the house after the dog. (Who, obviously was not dead, just scared out of its mind.) I was left standing in front of a 5 year old, seemingly extremely interested in watching me have an emotinal break down. Apparently he didn't realize I could've ruined his childhood forever by ending his dog's life in front of his very eyes. Instead he says, "It's ok, people can fix your van." I had no idea what he was talking about until he runs up the block and comes back carrying our hubcap! "Here you go!"

Then the mom came out and I apologized about a billion times more while STILL crying and she calls me hunny and tells me it's ok and gives me a big hug. Embarrasing? Ridiculous? Traumatizing? All.of.the.above.

We get back in the van and drive to the corner where I have to pull over BECAUSE I AM STILL CRYING (am I pathetic or what??). Oh, but by this time I am also laughing until I can't breathe, because the whole thing is just bizarre. So there I am, my forehead pressed against the steering wheel with tears streaming down my face, while Riley about pees her pants laughing at me in the front seat...

We go ahead and take some senior pictures, down on the side of a golf course, a nice little area with ankle deep grass and surrounded by trees. The sun is just minutes away from setting as we start to head out when I realize....Where are the keys? As in the where are the only set of van keys the Brandons own?? Where are the keys I so intelligently stuck in my waist band because I have no pockets???

And so I found myself on my hands and knees, combing the grass with my fingers, once again crying, thinking "George is going to kill me" and "Nothing happens the whole time I'm here, and in the last 12 hours, all this has to happen." The sun sets and Riley goes to recruit some friends who live in the area, coming back with flashlights, and an annoyingly optimistic attitude. I, on the other hand, was convinced, we would never find the keys, and I would leave texas with the Brandons hating me.

After an hour of looking, with no luck, Riley finally calls her mom. But right before the dreaded words leave her mouth, Michelle, the friend, shouts, "Here they are!" And there they were, sitting so nicely on the green. "I LOVE YOU!" I shout and throw her into a huge hug.

Then we went home and Riley re enacted the whole horrible evening for her parents, who enjoyed it tremendously. I'm sure it wouldn't have been so funny if we hadn't found those keys!!

I'm Gonna Be

I'M GONNA BE ... COMING HOME!

I just can't believe it, this is surreal. I feel as if I've been here a life time, and yet, didn't I just finish packing to come here??

This song has been stuck in my head all day long...apparently because the only part of it I could remember is the melody and "...coming home with YOU." After I looked up the lyrics I realized this really has absolutley nothing to do with my situation...but...we're just going to pretend like it does =) Besides, these guys are so freaking attractive, who wouldn't want to watch this video?! Off to pack!

Tonight, there was

tonight, it's just sloan and I in the living room, sprawled across the floor and couch, our faces highlighted blue from the computer screens.

there are occasional words, snippets of stories and shared jokes, but mostly just the tapping of keyboards and music stirring in the background.

earlier, there was a time of worship, a time of ministry, a time of tears, and a time of hugs. this same room, holding only two, just hours earlier, held 18. there was prayer, questions seeking out the heart of God, and His answers, revealed in scripture. there was healing, spoken through the mouths of servants broken themselves. there was hope shared, handed from one scarred soul to the next.

and there were the words of a song, "my name is graven on his hands," the visual of two hands so large, tattooed with the names of all the children of God.

as i sit in this room, now emptied, now quiet, I revel in the knowdlege...My Savior, He can move the mountains. My God is mighty to save!

To Live Without Fear

In less than a week, my summer officially starts! A couple months back I decided I wanted this summer to be different, I wanted to do more, try more, enjoy more.
Some of the things on my list:
-sewing dresses
-biking
-reading
-photo shoots
-hiking
-star gazing
-traveling
-strengthening relationships
-making new friends
(and working, obviously, but that happens every summer haha)

But as I get closer to going home, I realize, this summer, more than anything, I want to learn to live without fear. For so long, I've let fear and anxiety bind my chest, keeping me from breathing, keeping me from truly living. The older I get, the faster time goes. My life is a gift and I don't want to waste it. Besides, if my God is greater and stronger than anything else, why I am letting Fear dictate my life??

And so, another list for this summer. To give up:
-fear of losing someone
-fear of being unloveable
-fear of guys
-fear of insincerity
-fear of failure, of never being good enough
-fear of the future

I know these fears won't simply disappear, but I'm ready - to live under God's rule, instead of the enemies.

"With an ember of hope
And a desire to breathe,
I want to learn to live,
I need You to show me how."

Family Love

My extended family has never been the kind to live in one area and be apart of each others daily lives - in fact, sometimes we go years without seeing certain people. And while sometimes I wish we were that family, I think being so spread out makes us appreciate our time together so much more.

I spent this last weekend out in the country with some aunts and uncles and cousins, soaking up the moments we shared, knowing they'd have to last me awhile. My family (on both sides) may be a little rough around the edges and we've far from perfect, but by golly, we love each other. We're loyal, we're loud, a little bit crazy, and a whole lot of funny! :)

I loved the lazy afternoons with Aunt Nan, listening to her stories (it's so interesting to discover the person someone was before you knew them!) I loved riding the motorcycle with Uncle Glen, the wind beating against my shoulders and the sun soft on the horizon. I loved realizing my younger cousins look up to me and all the inside jokes we created. I loved hugging my cousin Jason and Uncle Kent, the first time in so, so long!

But most of I just loved knowing I was loved.

Larry, the Spider

Last night I trudged into the kitchen after a long night, just wanting a glass of juice before I headed off to bed. I drained my glass and set it down on the counter....next to a sandwhich bag....with a SPIDER in it. I froze. "It's fake," I tell myself. Until I look over at post it note next to it..."LIVE SPIDER".

I'm across to the other side of the room in about 2 seconds. "WHY IS THERE A SPIDER ON THE COUNTER???" Apparently, the girls found him in the living room, and Riley thought if she showed her parents what kind of GROSS, GIANT spiders lived in their house, they'd be motivated to do something about it. Frankly, I don't think they cared. But I sure did.

When I woke up this morning, Larry (Riley named him) was still on the counter in the bag and very much alive. I decided everybody wasn't going to go off to work/ school and leave me alone with the spider. Sure, he was in a bag, but everytime I looked at him, it was like he was saying, "Oh yeah, there's more of me ALL OVER YOUR HOUSE."

So I told Riley I was killing her spider and when she didn't protest, set out to do the deed. First, I set a jug of milk on him. It injured him, but he was still crawling around, so I picked up the closest thing, a Bible, and BAM....Larry was a beautiful ball of guts. Finally.

Then, Mac (the 9 yr old) walked into the room and asked me why I'd just murdered one of God's creations. I told him Larry had talked smack to me, and I just couldn't let that fly...

So Larry is dead and I don't feel the least bit bad....but now I'm afraid to sit in the living room (the only place you can get internet) unless I'm in the center of the room. This way, I can see all angles at all times...because I'm sure Larry's family is out to get me now...

The Boots

I guess it was about 2 years ago, during my freshman year of college, I decided I wanted a pair of cowboy boots. Something that could go with both jeans and skirts and preferably, something with a touch of turquoise. (Because, really, I'm Kylee...of course they're going to have turquoise!)

So yesterday, Sloan and I ventured out, found a western wear store over in Plano, and went searching for the perfect boots. A couple hours later: Mission Accomplished! :)

Last night as I was traipsing around, spinning on my toes, and practicing my 2-step, I started thinking about why I really wanted these boots so much. And I realized, it wasn't just to have a cute pair of shoes. When I think of cowboy boots...

...I think of being a little girl, when I was still small enough to be held by my dad, when I still believed he was the tallest, strongest man in the world. I think of my arms around his neck and us spinning around the dance floor.

...I think of my mom's white boots, which I thought were the prettiest things out there. I remember her watching her dance, her skirt flying out from her legs. I wanted to dance just like her some day.

...I think of all the country songs I grew up with. If you ask me today, I won't readily admit to being a country fan, but if you play a song, chances are I'll start singing along.

Cowboy boots make me think of country music and wooden dance floors, two stepping, and my parents. I guess, me wanting a pair of cowboy boots, is really just the little girl inside of me, still wanting to be like the parents I grew up admiring. =)

This & That

Hello Friends,
I'm sitting at the library, quickly running out of time, and feeling rather guilty because my keyboard is so loud. No really, typing should not be this loud. Next thing you know a librarian is going to be angry at me, and there is nothing worse than an angry librarian...they make you feel so bad about yourself without ever raising their voice.

Anywhoo. I'm just letting you know that I don't have internet at the house currently. So if it feels like I've disappeared...I kinda have.
Is it really sad that going a day without internet drives me crazy?? I am just way to used to hopping on facebook to tell a friend something random, or uploading pictures for everybody to see, or googling - oh good gracious do I miss google. I look up 100's of random things a day. I also miss youtube. No new music for me.

But! Happy News: I am home in 18 days!!
My mind still can't comprehend it, but I can't wait. I hate to say goodbye to all the lovely Texan people, but am I EVER excited to see all you Minnesotans!!

Okay, well, I'm sure I'll be back to the libary this coming week, just to check up on ya'll. (Hopefully with a less annoying keyboard though...) Until then, text me or even call me, haha, but we all know how I am with phones!

P.S. OH MY GOSH. i just looked down at my arms and they are bright red. Apparently, when George said you can burn fast, he wasn't lying. That's what I get for watching little league for 2 hours...
xoxo, Kylee

Puzzle Pieces of My Heart

Two years ago, I spent my freshman year at Concordia NE. While I was there, God gave me the most amazing group of girls - they became my 2nd family. Even as I struggled with my depression, my cutting, and my self hate, they managed to see something in me worth loving. On the days I couldn't crawl out of the pit, they came down and sat with there with me, holding my hand until I could breathe again. When I couldn't remember what joy was, they gave me reasons to laugh. They told me I was beautiful when I hated what I saw in the mirror. Together, we shared a thousand little moments that I strung together and clung to - moments that helped me remember why I kept fighting.

Today, we're spread out. Some still at Concordia, some, myself included, in other states. I don't get to talk to them on a daily basis or know all the little details of their lives - and that's hard. I miss that closeness. But it's ok, because, like family, these girls love me unconditionally, no questions asked.

It's as if, when I left concordia, I left a little piece of my heart with each of them. And when we're back together, they all just click into place, like puzzle pieces. I love knowing that no matter how far I am from them, no matter how much time passes between our visits, we will always be Us.