Thursday, October 28, 2010

Look Back

She stood on a hill, then turned around.
And it took her breath away
to realize
how far she had come.

Sometimes, I think we get so caught up in the road ahead of us,
and how much farther we have to go,
we forget to look back -
we forget where we used to be
and how much we've accomplished.

bravo, friends, bravo <3

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

a Stranger's Words

I am leaning out of the drive through window, pictures in hand, stretching out to the elderly lady in her van.

I've just arrived at work, traces of happines still lingering on my clothes from home. I am curly messy hair, turquoise earrings, and smoky eye shadow.

As she takes the pictures she looks at me and says, "You are so pretty."

And I, in my glorious awkwardness, find myself blushing and tongue tied.

I flash her my smile - the special one I only use when I'm really, truly happy, the one where my eyes crinkle up. "Oh thank you, thank you."

I am shrugging my shoulders and turning my face away, not sure what to say.

"You're a good thing to see," she tells me before driving away.

I close the window and turn to walk away - remembering how, on the drive back to willmar I'd just been thinking - I wonder if a stranger told me I was beautiful, I would believe them?

It turns out, I would...a little bit :)

Thursday, October 21, 2010


just a few more hours....

and i can stop holding my breath.

being with family feels like taking giant gulps of cold air -

so refreshing,

but i can never get quite enough.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


every time you've told yourself
"you should be more"
"you are not enough"

it was a lie.

every time someones told you
"you're beautiful"
"i think you're awesome"

they meant it.

you are an inch closer to loving yourself

than you were before.


(sometimes, someone says something to you, and a curtain falls away. Suddenly you can see things a little bit clearer than you could before.)

Monday, October 18, 2010

The Hermit Life

This weekend, when I wasn't working, I was in my apartment.


Perfectly, alone.

Crime shows. Pizza. Pictures.

All I really needed.

Watched Tv. Cleaned the apartment. Read a book.

I didn't talk. Or Listen. Or think. Or Worry.

It was beautiful.

Sometimes I revert back to my Hermit ways,

but only when I really need to :)

Saturday, October 16, 2010

play it brave

Wear the dress.
The one that makes you think you might just be kinda sorta slightly pretty.

Put on the heels.
The ones with the bows on the end that make your legs look good.

Do your makeup.
Not the, i only have 5 minutes makeup.
like, real makeup.

Play your favorite praise song on repeat.
And sing along - every single time.

Spray the perfume on your collarbone.
That one from your brother that one unexpected time.

Don't forget the turquoise earrings.
Becuase you're you, and that's what you do.

Leave your problems behind you at the door -
you won't need those at work.

And smile. Today is a new day.
play it brave.

Friday, October 15, 2010


i miss you.

you are a dull ache along the edge of my heart.

i'll wait for you,

right here.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Power Steering & Jumper Cables.

7:25 - Kassie and I leave work

7:26 - I try to start my van.

7:27 - I wave Kassie over.
... she says, "It's ok, i know people"

7:28-7:33 - Kassie calls all her friends in town who may have jumper cables.

7:34 - Kassie finds a friend with jumper cables.
... we wait.

7:41 - Kassie's friend arrives with jumper cables!

7:42-8:00 - we figure out how to use said jumper cables, switch jumper cables, switch back jumper cables.
...stupid van won't start.

8:01 - call Caleb. Call Dad.
...get frustrated the stupid van won't start.

8:02-8:12 - Talk to mom. Try the van some more. (still dead)
...Decide to leave the stupid van and get a ride to school tomorrow.

8:14 - go to leave the parking lot and realize Kassie's power steering doesn't work??

8:15-8:18 - manage to make it to an auto store
...where they tell us Kassie doesn't even have power steering. It's electronic.

8:19 - realize these guys are absolutley no help.

8:23 - we leave and go to caribou to console ourselves with overpriced, overcaffienated drinks.


Pulling the Princess Card

Last night, something I read suddenly made me remember when my brothers and I were little and we'd wrestle with my dad. Basically, we all jumped on him and tried to take him down, while also taking everybody else out. I liked to join in until things got rough and then I liked to pull the "princess" card. "Wait, I'm the princess, I'm the princess!" And then I got to crawl behind dad and he'd protect me from the boys.

I can still feel the satisfaction of knowing I was safe from flying elbows and sweaty brothers. I knew I was something special.

I also realized last night, that at some point, I stopped beleiving I was a princess, that I was something special. In fact, I don't think I know of one girl my age or older who still believes that about herself.

And why not?

When did we as girls stop believing we were something beautiful, something lovely, something treasured?

Is it wrong, that even though I'm grown up, so often I find myself thinking, "I just want to feel safe?" I want to know that I'm protected, that I am secure, that I am loved.

Girls, maybe it's time we started pulling the Princess card again...

Don't be afraid to crawl behind God, your Father, and feel safe.

Monday, October 11, 2010

highlight of my weekend?

highlight of my weekend?
oh just quite possibly getting to see this face...
he is one of the few boys in my life that I trust and feel comfortable with 100% of the time.
plus, he's just a really big dork who makes me laugh.
little brothers are somethin special :)

Saturday, October 9, 2010

If Moses could do it...

But Moses said, "O Lord, please send someone else to do it."

Right now, I'm pretty sure Moses and I are on the same page.

Tomorrow I'm giving my testimony in front of my dad's new church...and I'm at a loss for words. It's daunting to open up your heart...and your complete strangers.

Please pray for me :)

I just keep telling myself, if Moses could do it... So can I!

Friday, October 8, 2010


The last weekend I was home, I went into Isaac's room, so crisp and bare. I laid down on the floor, where the bunk bed used to be, and pretended...
Pretended that laying in that exact spot, where at one point, Isaac - and Bryan - used to be, maybe I could soak a little more of them into me.

I wanted to make sure I carried them away with me,
because there's no going back.

I hate being apart from my family. Not seeing them. Not hugging them. Not knowing they're safe.
I'm terrified I'll wake up one morning and find another one of them gone.

Tomorrow they're packing up my home.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Best Part of My Day

At work, when someone comes through the drive through, their front tires run over a cable and it rings a bell so we know they're there.

Somedays, when I hear that bell I just want to shake my head and say, "Nope. Sorry. Not today." Although of course, I don't.

Every night, as us girls are leaving and locking the back door, Shelby looks over at me and I look over at Shelby...and then we run and jump on the cable as hard as we can.

Just to make it ring and know we don't have to answer it. :)

Tonight, Mal, Shelby and I did it all together, in perfect unison and my feet hurt afterwards. And then I laughed and felt some of the stress slip away.

Ringing that bell is the best part of my day.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

2100 Rolls of Film

There is an old lady, who every month or so, brings boxes of disposable cameras in to the store.

4x6. Matte. Singles.
And keep them in order.

Oh, and the thing is, all the pictures look the same.... cornfield. road. house. car. dog. flower. repeat. and repeat.

For a week or two it feels like we will never get through all her film - did you know, tonight Kassie and sat down and figured out, in the past 5 years, she's probably brought in around 2100 rolls of film?!

Sometimes, while we're processing, or scanning, or counting her pictures, we come up with different reasons why she might do this.

First, I thought , what if she frames every one of them and her walls are literally covered?

Yesterday I thought, maybe she has alzheimers and she's just trying to make sure she doesn't forget anything.

and then, today I suddenly thought... what if she just feels this hole inside of herself, and this is how she tries to fill it up?

I don't know, and I probably never will. As long as she brings them in, I'll keep developing them. And no matter why she takes them... I hope it makes her happy. All 2100 rolls.