Tuesday, September 28, 2010

You Don't Own Me

Why have I had this phrase stuck in my head all day?

I feel like I've been pushed too far.
As much as a people pleaser as I am, I still have lines.
And I think they've been crossed.

All I know, is I have come too far, to retrace steps.
I refuse to go back.
So I'll do what it takes to keep myself sane.

No more sinking low.
I want better.

Sunday, September 26, 2010


And what was left behind was tarnished and cold,

a lackluster shell of what had been.

"I don't want this one," she said.

"But look," he replied, "it just needs to be polished."


today, i took a picture, because i could, not because i had to.

and then i stood still and admired someting beautiful.

Saturday, September 25, 2010


I arrived to class the other morning and said to my friends, " You guys, have you ever taken alka-seltzer? It is like the biggest pill, and I am so bad at taking pills...it was awful."


I look up to find their eyes on me, brows quirked.

"You know you're supposed to put those in water...right?" One says.

I pause as that sinks in.

"WHAT?" I can feel the heat rising in my face.

Everyone is falling over laughing and I'm pounding the table, "Wait, will it still work?? I need this medicine, will it still work??"

And then, it occurs to me... I may not be as stupid as I feel.

I say, "You guys... no... it's the gel tablets. Not the regular ones! I'm not THAT stupid..."

Then of course we burst out laughing all over again...because the sad thing is, I could see myself doing that :)

Thursday, September 23, 2010

the Meaning of Turquoise

Turquoise, is my Happy Color.


I wear it everyday just because it makes me smile.

So when my teacher handed out a color code sheet today, I immediatley looked for my color. I couldn't love the description more:

Healing, spirituality, mystical, exotic.

How amazing is it that turquoise means healing?
and on top of that spirituality?

Maybe I've always like turquoise because it's been like wearing a little piece of myself on the inside, on the outside :)

(My friends here call me Turq, by the way. "Your description fits you," one told me. Good to hear <3)

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

satan goes for the bruises

Satan goes for your bruises,

your weak spots,

your half healed wounds.

He likes to break you open -

just to watch you bleed.

Because Satan's a jerk like that.

This morning I am spiritually sore,

mentally worn out.

I'm sitting here, staring out of a 2nd story window without a thought or a feeling, taking in the fading trees and silent lake.

I keep coming back to this verse:
"He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners..." (Isaiah 61:1)

Satan may bruise, and he may break, but he cannot destroy what is God's.

Monday, September 20, 2010


All I keep thinking is:

.....When they look at you,

do they see Him within?......

When I'm at school, I try to smile,

to laugh

to make others laugh.

to be friendly,

and most importantly,


I'm a transparent person - I can't hide who I am from you.

I just hope when you look through, it isn't really me you see at all.

*i'm trying to be the person I want people to be for me*

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Meet: The Boy

Meet my new guy!

(His dark features and rugged good looks make my heart go boom.)

His name?

I usually just call him Sexy Beast.

We work really together - and the best part is he does whatever I tell him to.

And I hate to admit it, but I just can't keep my hands off of him!

I know we haven't been together very long, but I can already tell this is going to be a serious relationship.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

the inbetween

the .inbetween.

comes amidst the highs and the lows.

static nothing -

irritating emptiness -

a taste so bad in your mouth

you want to spit out your own tongue.

what i wouldn't give,

to crawl out of this skin.

i get so tired of myself.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Roadtrip with the Padre

Filling each other in on our lives.
Sharing our God moments.
Praise music making the doors vibrate.
Me writing down bible verses as the Padre sings as loud as possible
...completley off key.
Occasional shoulder shaking and/or head banging.
Cracking up because our dance skills are so bad.
Watching the sun melt and everything go gold.

Knowing I'm home,
because I'm with him.

Friday, September 10, 2010

on repeat

today, at work, for everytime I told myself I was stupid,

I made myself say in my head ,"i am fearfully and wonderfully made."

...3 times over.

Lets just say, i felt like I was on repeat.


it kept me from getting down,

for the most part.

Maybe that's lame, but I don't care.

Life...it's a work in progress

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Don't Shoot the Messenger

Work was insane today.
So many cranky customers, all wanting their pictures RIGHT NOW.
and chewing me out because their order isn't ready, when I don't even have anything to do with it....

oh, customer service, you're stretching me.

I did get to talk to a tech support man named Pierre for a half an hour. He had a cute voice ;)

I am learning to have a patient heart.
Realizing that maybe, God is still saying I need to make Him my number one guy, before he puts anybody else in my life.

It's for the best i know,

but, oh Father, you're stretching me.

All in good time. God's time. <3

Monday, September 6, 2010

Good Days

5 whole days of goodness. In a row. I don't think I can remember the last time that's happened.

Friday night I sat at caribou and was ecstatic to find contentment curled soft in my chest. I breathed out and waited, but it didn't leave. And then I thought, maybe joy is just continued contentment, prolonged cheerfulness, long term hope...

I prayed for a servant heart, massive amounts of patience, and relentless energy when it came to work - and God delievered! Life was such a relief without the burden work had become.

I also had the chance in the last couple days, to simply be with friends, in Willmar and Alexandria, and it's made all the difference. For some reason, people seem to like me, and the idea fascinates me -- I still don't really understand why, but the more I realize people love me, the more I believe there may be something in me worth loving.

And finally, I've had this day, this wonderful monday, with my family. The dance party with Korin, breakfast with my parents, and serious conversations with Caleb. They make my heart so happy.

p.s. i even wore dresses to work this week. that's how good I felt ;)