Tuesday, August 31, 2010

the moments inbetween

In between classes,
God time,
working out,
and sleeping...

are moments that make all the stress and sleep deprivation doable.

Today these moments included:

My boss buying us pizza because we stayed late to finish up work.
Joking with said boss and co workers.
Getting a chance to talk with my friend Mal while we worked, who always boosts my happiness level. :)
Getting random texts that made me smile.

i know, this blog is nothing impressive, but my head is pounding and I just want my bed. i would just like to point out (GEORGE BRANDON) that i still chose to write about happy things, despite my exhaustion/lonliness. BE. PROUD. :P

Sunday, August 29, 2010

He Sees

She sits, back to the wall
exposed skin hot
against cool tile.
A melted mess of tears,
and pain and hate.
Jagged metal.
Burgundy beads
dripping to the floor.

She lifts her face to the ceiling.
"Do you see?" she asks of God now.

Will He finally see, she is nothing. Nothing worth loving. Northing worth keeping.

And in the morning she found his reply among the pages,
"All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you."
(Song of songs 4:7)
I don't know if I'll keep this up...this is very raw. But it is also very real. I'm not ashamed to tell you, I just don't know if you can handle hearing it.
Sometimes, I still believe lies. Sometimes, I forget who I am and what I am worth. Sometimes I return to old habits instead of clinging to my Father.
But I get back up and try again.

And maybe I had to break for me to really know this... but He sees. He sees everything I can't.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

To write with Light

:: Photography = to write or draw with light ::

When my professor said that this morning I felt my heart squeeze.

Yes, I thought, yes. I want to write with light, straight from my heart.

Maybe that's why I can express myself through photography, because I'm still writing :)

I am so excited to be here, following this dream.
blessed,blessed,blessed, I am!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

My heart leaks

It was somewhere on 3rd Ave when it started. Cool, silent tears out of nowhere. No rhyme, no reason, just my throat going raw and wet eyelashes.

My dad, without words, reached for my hand, rough, brown fingers circling mine. And for once, I didn't move away, I didn't try to pretend. I just sat and let the tears slide down.

Sometimes, there's too much and yet not enough.
Sometimes...my heart leaks.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

I'm Still Yours

If I lost it all
Would my hands stay lifted
To the God who gives and takes away

If you take it all
this life you've given
Still my heart will sing to you

When my life is not what I expected
The plans I made have failed
When there's nothing left to steal me away
Will you be enough for me?
Will my broken heart still sing?

....Even if you take it all away
You'll never let me go
Take it all away
But I still know

That I'm Yours
I'm still Yours.

(some lyrics from "I'm still yours" by Kutless)
I don't understand what He wants with me. I, personally, am pretty done with myself.
Why. am. I. still. here?
I have no idea.
All I do know, is I am His, and right now, that will have to be enough.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Brick by stubborn brick

Today, my older brother told me the main reason I'm not in a relationship is because I am vicious and condescending to guys....

I hate when he's right ;) (no really, I checked with some guy friends...they agreed with him.)

I must have SOME good moments, because I still manage to have a couple guy friends... but it made me pretty sad to realize how true that statement was.

I'm scared of people in general, but I'm especially bad with guys, particularly ones close to my age.

I am terrified of being judged, of not being good enough, of being hurt. And somehow, over the years, I've projected these fears onto my relationships with men. Instead of giving anyone a chance, I surround myself with walls of indifference and barbed wire words. They can't hurt me if I keep them at a distance. They can't judge me if I judge them first. In short, I'm prickly... :P

but it's getting old...and it's not getting me anywhere. I'd like to be known for my smile and my encouragement rather than my biting comments and ego crushing stares.

Back at college I used to say I built up walls to see who cared enough to tear them down. And while I have to say I still somewhat believe in that theory...maybe it's time the walls came down on their own. Brick by stubborn brick.
The last week has been rough, oh so horribly rough. I sank so far down I was afraid I'd lose my grip all together. Sometimes, the hate I still find for myself shocks and frightens me. But I'm on my way back up... I may be on my hands and knees, crawling for dear life... but I can see the light again.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

A Room so Full of Love

We sat at the front of the room. My mother, my father, my sister, my brother, and me. The walls buzzed with conversations, clanking of serving spoons, and the whir of fans. As I looked out over the crowd, spilling out of the fellowship hall, I felt my heart pushing at its borders and the tears rising up.

I could feel the love wrapping its way around.

The sight of so many people in one place, who had supported me, given to me, cherished me...it overwhelmed me.
For 12 years Good Shepherd congregation has been my family. From the very beginning, they opened up their arms and gave me a place to call home. Although always a blessing, that home was especially comforting in the last several years.

Walking in those doors, I knew I was safe. I knew I was loved. I didn't have to worry about my looks, or what people thought of me. I knew they saw and treasured my heart. These people grieved with me on my knees, lightened the dark places, held me up in my weakness. They found beauty in my flaws, potential in my mistakes.

They witnessed me broken and fragile, and chose to stay... right there with me.

Saying good bye this sunday was one of the most painful things I've ever had to do. But after experiencing that room so full of love, I know I'm not really losing anything... this family is for life. :)